She Can Heal Podcast

Ep. 42 - How to Navigate Through Difficult Times - 3 Tools for Overcoming Suffering

• Keila Aldea, LCSW • Season 2 • Episode 42

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 Pain and suffering are inevitable parts of the human experience, but how we navigate through difficult times makes all the difference in our healing journey. We explore powerful mindset shifts that can help you move from feeling stuck in pain to finding your path forward with greater resilience.

• Radical acceptance allows you to acknowledge reality without fighting against it, freeing up energy previously used for resistance
• Understanding that acceptance doesn't mean condoning or liking what happened—it simply acknowledges that it did happen
• The Circle of Control framework helps identify what you can directly control versus what you can only influence or must accept
• Most suffering comes from focusing energy on things outside our control instead of directing attention to our thoughts, feelings, and actions
• Self-compassion acts as a buffer against self-criticism that often accompanies painful situations
• Treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend transforms your inner dialogue during difficult times
• Navigating pain requires patience—it's about finding ways to respond with agency rather than denying your emotions
• Suffering is part of life but doesn't have to define you—focusing on what you can control creates an anchor in the storm

If you found this episode helpful, please consider sharing it with someone who might need it. Remember—you are stronger than you think, and even in the midst of suffering, you have more power than you realize.


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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the she Can Heal podcast, a podcast aimed at helping women heal and thrive emotionally, physically and spiritually. I am your host, kayla Eldia. I'm a licensed therapist and a self-care advocate that is passionate about helping women take back their power and help them realize they're important, worthy and deserve the care and attention they give to those they love most in their lives. This show is meant to help inspire you on your healing journey, no matter if you're in the discovery phase and are just realizing that you have unhealed wounds, habits and mindsets that are keeping you stuck in your life, or you've been on this journey for a while and are looking for inspiration, encouragement and or new tools to help you continue on your healing journey. My goal is to help you realize that you can heal from all that life has thrown at you and are capable of evolving into your healthiest and happiest version. On this show, I will provide you with resources, tools and insights to help you heal and thrive emotionally, physically and spiritually, because you deserve all of that. So if you're ready to ditch the guilt and make yourself a priority, then you're in the right place, because the truth is that you can't pour from an empty cup, even though most of us do this on a regular, and we really need to stop that nonsense. So get ready to be inspired, motivated and equipped to truly thrive. Hello and welcome back to another episode on the she Can Heal podcast. I am so happy that you have decided to join me on today's episode.

Speaker 1:

I am going to be diving into a topic that I hear about a lot with the clients that I work with, and it's also a topic that I've also struggled with myself, and I'm sure that you can identify. If you're not in a place of suffering, you've probably have gone through some type of pain and suffering before which is hard. Being in a pain of, in a place of suffering and being in a place of pain, emotional pain, is such a difficult and such a hard thing for us to have to go through, but the truth is that it's an inevitable part of the human experience, right, while we can't always avoid it, it's always on how we navigate and go through it right, that makes all the difference, because often, when we're in the thick of the pain, right, whether it's emotional, physical, circumstantial, our minds tend to latch onto things that we just can't change right, and we get stuck in the why me? Or if only loop right, which just makes it worse. Right, it makes the pain that much more harder and heavier. But what if I told you that there's different, powerful ways that we can work through pain and suffering and it's a way that you can help yourself to find your anchor even in the biggest of storms? Right, and it's really shifting from the focus of what we can't control into what we can, and so I want to share with you a couple of different ways that we can start to shift our mindset from being stuck in that place of pain right In that place of agony, and really start working through it through different ways of mindset shifts.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so I want you to think about a time when you were really struggling. Maybe it was a job loss, or maybe it was a relationship that ended, maybe it was something to do with your health, or even just a really bad day. I can definitely identify a time for myself where you know I went through something really, really painful, and it definitely was so emotionally painful. I definitely felt it very heavily in my heart space. So I want you to think about what were your thoughts.

Speaker 1:

Chances are that a lot of the thoughts that you're having are revolving around the uncontrollable right, the unfairness of the situation, the other other person's actions, the ways that you think things should be right, and this is kind of that loop that we get stuck in, right, like, why did this have to happen? Um, you know they should have done this. They've never should have done that. They left me, they abandoned me, they hurt my feelings, whatever it is right, but the truth is that this is a natural human response, right, it's not like we choose to be stuck in that loop. It is just part of just how our brain functions, right, just the way it works. Right, this is just a response that is very natural for when we go through a really difficult, painful experience.

Speaker 1:

But it also can keep you trapped in that cycle of hopelessness and it really keeps you stuck in that prolonged suffering, which does not feel good. I know, I've been there and it does not feel good at all. But the truth is that, while we can't always control what happens outside of us, right, external events that happen to us, we always have a degree of control over our internal landscape, right, our thoughts, our reactions, our actions. And this is where our power lies and it's the key to navigating, suffering with more resilience and even finding a path forward right. The truth is that we cannot control anything outside of us, and this is where so many of us get stuck.

Speaker 1:

We get stuck in trying to control outcomes and trying to change people and try to convince and trying to change the outcome of something, and that's the place that we all get stuck in. We get stuck in that rumination of thoughts of what ifs or what ifs. Maybe if I should have done this, maybe I should have left them earlier, maybe I should have spoke up earlier. You know all those types of things, but that's the stuff that keeps you stuck right, and so what we're talking about really is learning how to move through the pain right, because we can't just pretend that it's not there, we can't pretend that it didn't happen, right. That's where you get stuck in it, and so it's really navigating.

Speaker 1:

How do we get through this? How do we get through this difficult time and reach the other side of that relief? Well, it's all on how we shift our focus right. So when we're able to move away from being stuck on the hopelessness and really being stuck in that cycle of despair, we can really shift into understanding that the power really lies in focusing on what we can control versus what we can't, and so today I'm going to share with you a few tools and perspectives that can really help you if you're going through some really difficult, emotionally hurtful time in your life. Difficult, emotionally hurtful time in your life, and even if you haven't which I'm sure everybody has or maybe you're in a place right now where you're saying I'm good, I feel good, I think this would be really helpful, because this is not just for the big, heavy stuff. This can also be applied to even the small hurtful things that can happen right, and so I think that it's going to be beneficial to you.

Speaker 1:

If you feel like you have, like this doesn't apply to you, I think this is also good for you to. If you know someone you know I think we all know different people who are going through a really tough time right now for different reasons, and maybe they need a little help, and so maybe this might be an episode that you can share with them. All right, so we're going to go through a couple of different tools that and not just tools, but also like mindsets that I want you to think about, and some of these are techniques that, like I have used myself, I have shared and learned, and I provide these for my own therapy clients, and so I think that these will be different strategies, tools, techniques that can apply to anyone, and I think they would be really helpful for you. So the first thing that the first tool that I want to share with you is called radical acceptance. This is one of the first things that I usually go to when I see clients who are having a really difficult time accepting a situation and they're stuck in that right, that loop.

Speaker 1:

So radical acceptance is a hard one. Acceptance period is a hard one, because when we think about acceptance, we really think that it's like letting people off the hook, okay. So with radical acceptance, it does not mean that you have to like what's happening or that you condone what happened. Okay, let's just get that real um straight right there. This has nothing to do with condoning, being happy, with liking what happened.

Speaker 1:

Radical acceptance, um, is a DBT or a dialectical behavior therapy tool, and it's about acknowledging and accepting reality as it is without fighting it. Think of it like this If you're caught in a downpour, you can fight it, get soaked and miserable, or you can accept that it's raining, maybe put on a raincoat and find shelter. Right, the rain doesn't change, but your experience of it does. So when we are radically accepting things, right, our current reality, even the painful parts, we free up energy that was previously used to resist, and this is going to allow us to see the situation more clearly and identify what, if anything, we can influence. Right, so it's just saying that I accept what happened, because it did happen. Right, think about it. If you're stuck in the, why did this have to happen to me? Why did they do this to me? Why don't they love me? Why don't they care about me? Think about how much pain and agony that is going to continue to keep you in, right.

Speaker 1:

And so what we're saying is it's not saying that it's okay that they did it. And this is where people really get like stuck in. They say, well, it's not fair, right, they get off the hook. And the truth is that this situation, this radical acceptance right, this tool right is not about anyone else, but you. Right. It's saying I am going to accept that this relationship ended because it did end. It does not mean that I'm happy with it. It does not mean that I like what he did was right, it doesn't matter. That's not what we're saying.

Speaker 1:

What we're saying is that you have to learn how to accept what happened because it did happen. Right, we can't be in denial, we can't be in avoidance, because that is not going to help you. It's saying I accept what happened because it did happen, and this is going to allow you to see the situation more clearly, right and really identify, if anything like what, how can I move forward? Or you know, how can I respond and how could I? What steps can I take so that I can kind of get to the other side of this? And so here are a couple steps that you would take when you are practicing radical acceptance.

Speaker 1:

Number one is acknowledge the reality, and that is saying to yourself this is happening or this happened. So, again, acceptance, it's only really saying that it happened because we have to accept the present moment. Right, we can't, if we get stuck in the why and all the other rumination of you know thoughts that keep you stuck, that's not going to help you. But saying like it happened and I'm not saying that this is going to take the pain away, but what's going to happen is that you're going to actually understand that, even though it was hard, even though it's soft, even though it was painful, I have to accept that it happened. Second step is recognize that reality has causes right. So understand that events, even painful ones, have led to this moment. So it's almost like realizing that this just didn't happen, you know out of the blue, but sometimes it's that there's things that happened along the way that have brought you to this place right, that have led to this present moment. Third step is accept life as it is in this moment.

Speaker 1:

Resist the urge to wish it was different. Again, we are shifting that mindset of being in the past right, saying I wish that I would have done X, or I wish he would have done Y, or I wish I would have took this step instead have done why? Or I wish I would have took this step instead, or why didn't she just not go Right. Because, again, you're wishing things that are not in reality right. All of those things are not in your present moment, especially if it's something that already happened. Right. Let's just say that you lost your job, right. You can't stay stuck in the if only I would have done this, or if only I would have done that, or if only they wouldn't hire that person, or if only they would have done that. That's not going to help you in the moment, because the truth is that you lost your job and so if you stay stuck in that and you resist right, you're resisting reality. That's going to keep you stuck in this place of pain and it's really saying that I'm really upset that I lost my job, but I do accept that it happened. And now, when you're able to accept that it happened, you're able to then take steps to move forward from that.

Speaker 1:

And the fourth step is notice that resistance, kind of what I was just talking about, right, it's observing the thoughts and the feelings that arise when you're fighting reality. So anytime that you catch yourself saying, you know, if only, um, if you catch yourself saying or thinking things that are keeping you in that place of pain, of that place of reality um, not reality in the place of hopelessness, right, stuck there, I want you to notice that and I want you to start shifting that, because that's the part that we want to work on, right. And the last step is to practice willingness, so consciously choosing to accept it, even if it's just for this moment, right, and sometimes it helps to use, you know, different kind of phrases. You know like I'm so pissed at my boss for firing me, but this is out of my control and I'm just going to accept that it happened. And using those kind of words can be really helpful because, again, it's about accepting that it happened, right. And so it's not denying your feelings, right, we're not about to, um, you know, not accept the feelings that we have because of what happened. It is.

Speaker 1:

This is about validating what you're feeling, because your feelings are valid, right, but also acknowledging that the bad thing happened. So, um, I hate him for doing this, but it happened, it happens and I can't change it. So it's about validating what you're feeling, but also accepting reality. And again, remember, this is about accepting it because it happened. This is about accepting it because it happened. It's not condoning it, it's not being okay with it, it's not letting people off the hook, right? Because the truth is that this is about you taking care of yourself and helping yourself to get out of this black hole, right? And so the truth is that you cannot control people. You cannot control the future, you can't change the past, and so the truth is that you cannot control people, you cannot control the future, you can't change the past, and so this is more about helping you to get out of that.

Speaker 1:

Right, it's saying it happened. I'm upset about it, I'm sad about it, but it happened. I have to accept that it happened and it has nothing to do with the other person. It has to do with you and how you are going to respond and how you are going to help yourself to get through the bad thing that happened. So what I'm trying to tell you is that this is more to help you. It has nothing to do with anyone else, because the truth is, remember that all you have control over is yourself. It's your thoughts, it's your feelings. Right, it's how you talk to people, it's the choices that you make. Right, it's how you respond to situations.

Speaker 1:

With this technique is exactly what you're doing and, honestly, with this technique is exactly what you're doing and honestly, like I said, this is not the easiest thing for people to wrap their heads around. I know, when I presented to clients, it takes them a minute to understand that this isn't condoning anyone's behavior and this isn't letting people off the hook. This is really about you. It's really about helping you get through this painful situation so that you're not stuck in that place of pain, and there's ways that you can go through this so that you can continue to release the pain. But this is a good place for you to start just accepting reality, accepting that things happen and reminding yourself that it's up to me to help myself to get through this situation.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so now we're ready to move on to the next step, or another tool that you can use to help you to step out of this place of pain and suffering, and so the next tool that I'm going to talk to you about is another one that I use a lot as well, and it is called the circle of control, of control. So the circle of control is a really powerful concept that can really help to shift your attention and your energy from things that are beyond your control right, things beyond your power towards a more peaceful and effective way of living, because you're going to learn how to shift back to focusing and putting your attention like really focusing on the things that are within your control. So the circle of control works like this. So there's three circles there's the innermost circle, and that one's called your circle of control, so this is the smallest circle at the center, and it represents everything that we have direct control over. This is our thoughts, our feelings, our actions, the choices that you make, your attitudes and your beliefs, your efforts, how you react to events. These are the things we have direct influence to change.

Speaker 1:

Okay, then you have the middle circle, so a circle a little bigger than the small one, and this is called your circle of influence. And this largest circle surrounds the circle of control, and it encompasses things that we can't directly control but we can influence. This might include the behavior of other people, our work environment, our relationships and external circumstances. Right, we can try to persuade, negotiate, set an example or build rapport, but the final outcome isn't solely up to us. And then you have your outer circle, which is called the circle of concern, and this is the largest circle and includes everything we care about but have absolutely no control over. This could be the weather, the past, global events, other people's opinions, global events, other people's opinions, their beliefs and larger scale societal issues. We might worry about these things, but we can't directly change them. So this is how you could use a circle of control to free you from being stuck in this place of pain and suffering.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so the key to using this circle so this is a tool that you could use and the key to using this in alleviating yourself from any type of agony is in shifting your focus and your attention. Spend a significant amount of mental and emotional energy worrying about things in our circle of concern or trying to control things in our circle of influence as if they were in our circle of control? Right, and if you realize it, the circle of control is the smallest circle, right, it means that we have control only a small amount compared to the circle of influence and the circle of concern, and most of us spend most of our time and energy trying to change things that we really have no control over, or in the middle area which we're trying to influence. Right, we're trying to persuade people, we're trying to change their feelings, we're trying to change their opinions, and that's when you get stuck in that place of just pain, right, which leads you to feeling frustrated. Right, it leads to all those really low emotions like anxiety, helplessness and, ultimately, suffering. You're in a place of suffering, okay.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so this is how you would apply this framework of the circle of control to a painful situation that you're going through. Right, because, again, we're working through the pain. We're not going to go around it, we are going to go through it. So the first thing you want to do is you want to identify what is it that is worrying you. What is the area of concern that is really causing you so much pain? Right, take time to list those things that are causing you stress, anxiety, pain. Okay, it might be a specific situation, right, it might be a work situation, it might be something in your relationship, it might be a financial situation. Whatever it is, the first thing you want to do is identify what is it that's causing you all this pain. Then the second part is you want to categorize it. Okay.

Speaker 1:

So, now that you have your list, I want you, for each item on your list, determine which circle it belongs to. Does it belong to the circle of influence, the middle one, or does it belong to the bigger one, the circle of concern? And the truth is, you want to be really honest with yourself about the degree of control that you truly have, because that's the way that you're going to get yourself to a place of relief. Right, you're going to relieve yourself, but part of that is being honest with yourself about where exactly am I spending my energy and my time, then I want you to focus on the inner circle. So, once you've categorized your concerns, I want you to consciously direct your energy towards what you actually can control, right, which is your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your reactions. Because this is where your power really lies. Because what we want to do is, instead of trying to change someone else's behavior right, that's in the circle of influence or really ruminating on a past event, the bigger circle, circle of concern you want to focus on how you choose to respond to the situation. Now let me give you an example. If you're upset about someone's criticism right, that's kind of like the middle circle. Right, the circle of influence you can't control their opinion, but you can control how you interpret it, how you react to it and what you choose to believe about yourself. Okay, so it's really understanding. Where is it that I'm putting all this attention and how can I come back into the middle circle, the circle of control?

Speaker 1:

The next step is you want to expand your circle of influence wisely. So, while you don't have direct control from this area, this circle, you can still act strategically. Right, you can still act strategically right, so you can focus on building healthy relationships, communicating effectively, setting boundaries and recognizing that influence takes times and effort and outcomes are not guaranteed. And then the last step is you want to let go of the circle of concern. This is really crucial for reducing your pain, right? Reducing your suffering is acknowledge that these things exist, but consciously, we have to learn how to choose not to dwell on them and to let them dictate your emotional state. So accepting what you cannot change is going to free up mental space and energy for things you can impact.

Speaker 1:

And it's really important to consistently practicing acceptance, like we talked about earlier, right? So for the things in your circle of concern, and even some of the things in the circle of influence that you cannot change, you want to practice acceptance, right? So this goes hand in hand with our previous tool, which was radical acceptance is that this doesn't mean that you have to like them, but rather you're acknowledging the reality that it happened, so that you can stop resisting it. And resistance, like we talked about earlier, amplifies pain and suffering. So how could you use this?

Speaker 1:

So, when you are faced with a problem so let's say something happened I want you to use this information to identify. Where are you focusing on that circle of control? And this is going to help you to form a sense of agency and empowerment, because now you can identify and you can say, oh, I can see that I'm really. This is more. This doesn't belong in the middle circle, right? It's not something that I can directly impact or control. I'm focusing on something that's in that bigger circle and I have to accept that it happened. I have to accept that it exists and then I have to learn how to let it go. So, by consciously applying the circle of control, you can learn to direct your energy where it's most effective, and most of the time, it's in that inner circle. Right, we're going to start to understand that we're wasting a lot of mental and emotional resources on things that we just can't control, that we can't change. Instead, we want to cultivate more inner resilience and making conscious choices and taking meaningful actions. That's going to help us in our lives.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so I just shared with you two really good tools that you can use to help you whenever you're going through a really difficult situation, and I want to leave you with one more, and this is a concept that I've talked about on this podcast many times and it is using self-compassion. So self-compassion can be a really powerful way for you to get through really painful situations by shifting how you relate to yourself during that difficult time. So, instead of adding more self-criticism and judgments who are suffering, self-compassion can encourage kindness, understanding and really help you to recognize the shared human experience. I'm going to go through a couple ways that this can really help us. Again, self-compassion is here to help you to navigate the difficult situations. Why?

Speaker 1:

Because when we're going through really hard times, we tend to be critical on ourselves about what we should shouldn't have done, and so when you are going through a bad, stressful situation, the last thing you need is to be critical, is to treat yourself badly, is to attack yourself. This is the time when you need yourself the most. So, number one, when you can offer yourself self-compassion, you're actually going to help reduce self-criticism. So think about it. When you are experiencing a painful situation, it's so easy to fall into the patterns of self-blame why did I let this happen? Or harsh judgments against yourself right, like I'm so stupid for this. And so self-compassion can act as a buffer against this inner critic. So, by treating yourself with the same warmth and understanding that you would offer a friend in a similar situation. This really going to help you to quiet the negative self-talk that makes our pain worse. Right, because the worst thing you need is you're feeling really stressed, or you're feeling overwhelmed, or you're really in a lot of pain, agony, emotional pain. The last thing you need is to be critical of yourself for not doing or not handling the situation the way you think you should have. Okay.

Speaker 1:

Number two is that when you are able to utilize self-compassion, it actually helps to foster acceptance. So when we are going through painful situations, it brings up a lot of difficult emotions like sadness, anger, fear, shame. Well, self-compassion is going to encourage you to acknowledge and accept these feelings without resistance or judgment. So recognizing that these emotions are a natural response to hardship is going to help you to flow through it rather than get stuck and letting those emotions intensify your suffering. Okay, so it's really helping you to accept it and understand that it is going to bring up really painful emotions and knowing that that's okay. It's not a time for me to ridicule myself or get mad at myself for crying, for being sad. It's really just giving yourself that acceptance.

Speaker 1:

Another way is it provides comfort and soothing. So, just as we would offer comfort to someone we truly care about who's in pain, self-confession involves turning that care inward Again. This can look like gentle self-talk, supportive physical gestures like placing your hand over your heart, or even engaging in activities that soothe and nurtures you. So this experience of comfort can help regulate your emotions and reduce feelings of distress. So it's almost like you're having a really difficult situation.

Speaker 1:

Maybe you are extremely stressed about a breakup, or you lost your job, or whatever the case may be. Right, I'm sure that if you were to talk with a friend, your friend would offer you so much compassion, so much comfort, right, they might offer to sit with you and talk about it. They might offer let's go out and, you know, catch a nice meal. They might use kind words. That's the kind of attention, that's the kind of care that you want to give to yourself. Right, it's that exactly how you would help and treat a friend who is going through a difficult time. It's using that same compassion and giving it to yourself because you truly need it, and sometimes it feels nice to just be gentle, be kind, especially when we're going through a really difficult situation.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so, in essence, self-compassion can help you become your very own internal source of comfort and strength during painful times. It transforms your inner dialogue from one of being very critical and isolated to one of kindness, understanding and connection, making it easier to navigate hardship and heal. Okay, there you have it Three different tools that can really help you when you're going through a really difficult situation. And it's really crucial to remember that when we are learning to shift our focus from the uncontrollable to the controllable, it's not about denying your pain or pretending that everything's okay. It's really about finding ways to navigate that pain with more agency and resilience. And it's about recognizing that, even when life throws us curve balls, we still have a say in how we respond.

Speaker 1:

And again, this isn't a quick fix and it takes practice and it really isn't easy. Believe me, I know that for a fact and know that there's going to be days when your mind will naturally gravitate back to what you can control. And it's all about being patient with yourself, gently redirecting your focus, reminding yourself of your circle of control and really choosing actions that are aligned with your values, above all, being kind to yourself along the way, because the truth is that suffering is a part of life, but it doesn't have to define you. So by learning to focus on what we can control, we can find an anchor in the storm and navigate our way through with greater strength and renewed sense of possibility.

Speaker 1:

Okay, thank you so much for joining me on today's episode. If you found this helpful, please consider sharing it with someone who might need it, and remember that you are stronger than you think and even in the midst of suffering, you have more power than you realize. All right, I'll talk to you next week, take care. Thank you so much for joining this conversation today. I hope this episode was helpful to you on your healing journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode packed with valuable tips and insights designed to empower you. If you found value in this episode, I'd be so grateful if you left me a review wherever you're listening from and share your thoughts and feedback. This really helps me to reach more women, just like you. Thanks for listening.