She Can Heal Podcast

Ep. 44 - Stop the Self-Sabotage: 3 Habits to Ditch for More Self-Love

• Keila Aldea, LCSW • Season 2 • Episode 44

Share episode

Send us a text

Our self-sabotaging behaviors keep us from living authentically and loving ourselves fully, but we can break free from these patterns to reclaim our power and happiness. We explore three critical behaviors women need to stop: comparison, caring what others think, and neglecting boundaries.

• The comparison trap: social media shows only highlight reels, not the behind-the-scenes struggles
• Understanding that jealousy reveals what you truly want and can be used as motivation
• Why comparing your beginning to someone else's end point is unfair and harmful
• How caring what others think leads to self-abandonment and inauthenticity
• The importance of valuing your own opinion of yourself above others' judgments
• Why setting and communicating clear boundaries is essential to your wellbeing
• Learning to be okay with people not being okay with your boundaries
• How practicing boundary-setting builds confidence and personal power over time

If you're enjoying this podcast, please leave a five-star review and share it with friends or family who might benefit from these conversations. This helps the show reach more women and grow our community of healing.


90-day Self-Growth Journal - A great companion you can use on your healing journey. For 90 days you will have daily prompts on the topics of self-love, self-care and gratitude.  This journal is great for beginners, novice and anyone that wants to dive deeper into their true selves.   https://amzn.to/4fk14sq

Ready to nurture your mind, body, and spirit? Get our FREE Self-Care Challenge

Visit Our Website - The show now has a website and blog!! Come visit and read more!

Sign Up for Our Weekly Newsletter - Come subscribe to my newsletter to receive tips, BTS previews and additional resources to guide you on your healing journey.

Follow me on IG @shecanhealpodcast for upcoming episodes and more inspiration.

Come be a guest on the podcast: - I am looking for guests to come on the show and share their stories. If you have a self-care practice, tool or resource that has helped you on your healing journey, please contact me or send me an email at shecanhealpodcast@gmail.com

I want to hear your thoughts on the show:
Reviews help my show so much, please leave a review on your favorite platform.

Subscribe to the show
You'll be notified when a new episode is available, so you never miss an episode.

Shop My Products

Keila:

Hello and welcome to the she Can Heal podcast, a podcast aimed at helping women heal and thrive emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Keila:

I am your host, kayla Aldea. I'm a licensed therapist and a self-care advocate that is passionate about helping women take back their power and help them realize they're important, worthy and deserve the care and attention they give to those they love most in their lives. This show is meant to help inspire you on your healing journey, no matter if you're in the discovery phase and are just realizing that you have unhealed wounds, habits and mindsets that are keeping you stuck in your life, or you've been on this journey for a while and are looking for inspiration, encouragement and or new tools to help you continue on your healing journey. My goal is to help you realize that you can heal from all that life has thrown at you and are capable of evolving into your healthiest and happiest version. On this show, I will provide you with resources, tools and insights to help you heal and thrive emotionally, physically and spiritually, because you deserve all of that. So if you're ready to ditch the guilt and make yourself a priority, then you're in the right place, because the truth is that you can't pour from an empty cup, even though most of us do this on a regular, and we really need to stop that nonsense. So get ready to be inspired, motivated and equipped to truly thrive.

Keila:

Hello and welcome back to another episode on the she Can Heal podcast. I am truly happy that you are here with me today, because I'm going to be talking about a really important topic and something that I think so many of us need to hear about. But before we get into the episode, I had a couple of favors that I want to ask, and the first one is if you are truly enjoying the podcast, if you're connecting with the content, with the topics that I'm talking about today and throughout the episodes, please would you do me a favor and please go on and leave me a five-star review. This helps in so many ways. So if this is the only thing you do to help and support this podcast, I would truly appreciate it. It is one way that helps the show to be shown to everyone else, to become more visible, and I really want more women to listen to these episodes. So if you can do that for me, that would be so amazing. And the second favor that I would ask is that, if any of the episodes that you've listened to.

Keila:

If, at the end of this one, you get inspired and you think of anyone that any of your friends, any of your family that you think would benefit from this conversation, share it with them. Send it to them. I think that's another really important way for the information to get shared, for the show to grow and to be able to reach so many more women, because that's the point of the show is so that I can reach as many women and we can have these kinds of conversations. So if you could do that for me, that would be awesome, and I just want to again thank you for being here, thank you for hitting play, because every time I see a download on my show, I just get really happy inside, because that's the point of doing this. It's that I want to be able to talk about topics that I know that we all need to talk about. I know these are topics that are so important for us women, because these are topics that I struggle with, my clients struggle with, I know family and friends struggle with, and it's really important for me to put this information out to help us all, because this is what it's about. It's about creating this community. It's about sharing and mutually working on creating the best life that we can right To feel and just to heal ourselves, to thrive, you know, to really give back to ourselves emotionally, physically and spiritually. That is why I'm doing this, and if you could do that and you can support the show, I would be truly thankful to you. Okay, all right, so we're going to get into today's episode, and today's episode is about what are the things that we really need to stop doing so that we can love ourselves more right, so that we can stop sabotaging ourselves.

Keila:

There's different things that I think, as women, traps that we kind of get into. I know this is again. This is for me too. These are situations that I have seen myself get into, and I see so many struggle with this, just like I do, so I just wanted to have a conversation about this topic because I think that I've seen it a lot, especially nowadays with so much access. So I have my coffee ready. If you're ready to get into this conversation, then let's begin. All right, so we're going to get into number one, and one of the number one things we need to stop doing is we need to stop comparing ourselves to others, aka the comparison trap. Okay, this is something that I know so many women struggle with. I know that if you're listening to me right now, I know you've caught yourself being into this trap. I know this used to be really big for me before.

Keila:

And the first part is the social media effect, right, and it is understanding that what people put out on these social media outlets are a snapshot, it's a glimpse. It is their highlight, right? So we see all these curated like highlight reels and we don't see the real life. Right, we don't see the behind the scenes. And I say this all the time because, you know, we have to remind ourselves that when people put content out there, people put pictures and stuff they're giving you their best part of their lives, right, you see them when they're on vacation. You see them when they buy their house. You see them when they have the cutest outfit, when they're feeling good for themselves. Just, you are seeing their highlight. You are seeing the best versions of themselves or the version that they are choosing to tell you about. Right, how many times have I seen people? You know you have this image of someone on social media because of what they post, and then you hear the truth, right, you hear the behind the scenes and you really take a step back and you say, oh my God, like I really thought that this person was in a good place. I thought this person was like killing it in life, and then we hear that actually no, they're falling apart, their life is a mess and they're only showing you the version of themselves that they want to show you. And that is the truth. The truth is that people are going to you're only seeing this little glimpse, okay, so that's like the normal person, right?

Keila:

Well, think about also, because I think we also compare ourselves to these, um, very successful people or influencers, right, I'll use myself as an example where there was a time where I used to follow these influencers or these content creators, these influencers or these content creators, and again, they are putting out content to grab your attention so that you can engage with their content and that you can purchase their products or services. Okay, but this is the other thing. For instance, I know I have this content creator that I follow and she does the same thing. She puts out content of her at her like she's killing it right now, and it's not. It's not a scam, really. It's not a scam, because I've gotten to know her and I've also purchased her services and products and things like that. It is not a scam. But what I'm seeing is her at step, you know, 90, right, and I think that we have to also understand that she is where she is because she has been working on this business or this, whatever it is that she's doing, like she's been working at this for a very long time.

Keila:

And so if you're trying to compare yourself to her, like I would, I literally had to stop following her for a moment, because it was a period of my time in my life several years ago where I was just not in a place that I can accept that information. I would compare it to my life and it would make me feel like a failure. It would make me feel like I am failing at life, like I got nothing going on, I haven't achieved anything in my life, like you literally start going out that rabbit hole of like holy cow. Look at her. She is killing it Like she's making all this money, she's out there traveling or she's, you know, so successful in what she does, and then it's me right.

Keila:

And then you compare yourself to where she's at at the top, when you are a beginner, right when you're just getting started, and that is so unfair and when you are not in a good mindset place, like if you're not in a place where you have that knowledge, where you understand that concept, like when you are aware of that, then you are going to struggle. You're going to say to yourself they are doing good, I am doing bad, I'm a failure and that stuff is no good for you at all. That is definitely not a way for us to really love ourselves and accept ourselves. Right, it's the true, it's understanding, and if you are following anybody that doesn't share their backstory, that's a red flag right there. Right, it is understanding that I am where I am today, but also, this was 10 years in the making. Like, you're seeing me 10 years later, 10 years of you know, really, the hustle, the grit putting in the work, and now I am at the top of my league. Right, I'm doing amazing, but 10 years ago I was right there where you were, and so if you're trying to compare yourself to me now, you are giving yourself a big disservice. You are letting yourself down so much because that is unfair. So it's realizing that number one what we see on social media through the average person is a snapshot. They're going to show you their best times. They're going to show you the times when they're doing the best, when they're feeling the best, when they're doing great going on vacation.

Keila:

I remember years ago, before I started to not only work on myself but really become better with my finances and all those kinds of things. I remember seeing people on vacation and I remember saying to like I would love to do that and I would feel jealous because people are on vacation. And here I am right, not on vacation. And it wasn't until I said to myself I want to create those type of experiences for myself. And when I started to do a lot of work on my self-development, like learning about you know myself on a very deeper level, is when I started to understand that only because someone's on vacation or only because someone bought this really expensive car, only because they bought this house, does not mean that they are making a good decision for themselves. There was a book that I read I think it's called the Millionaire Next Door, and that book really helped me to understand that the people that you see that have all the things the big houses, the big cars, the crazy vacations. That doesn't mean that they're millionaires, right. It just means that that's what they're spending their money on.

Keila:

And so many people go on vacation and are freaking broke, right, they're putting it on credit cards or they're not even paying for it. Somebody else is paying for it. And you're over here trying to compare yourself to them, right? You're comparing yourself to someone who is in debt and who is putting all this stuff on. I know, I've done that before. I did that before In the beginning of my travels. I put it on a credit card and then you come back from vacation and you're like, okay, well, I had a great time, but now I have this big bill, right.

Keila:

And so you have to understand that your journey is your journey, their journey is their journey and listen, if that's the life they want to live, if they want to go on vacation, but they're broke and they're like $20,000 in debt and this is a way that they cope with it, power to them, right. And you have to ask yourself what is the life that I want to live? I don't want to live a life where I'm traveling and I'm putting it all on credit cards and I'm in debt. Right, I'm not doing that, right, my life right, my journey, which is going to be completely different from yours. But you have to be clear about that and be careful of that, because what you see online is not reality. It really isn't right If we think about even watching reality. Think about reality TV, right? That is not reality.

Keila:

You're seeing glimpses of everything. You're seeing people's highlights and you do not know the backstory. You do not know how hard someone worked to get that vacation. Maybe they've been saving for that vacation for three years and you are over here like judging and saying, oh my God, like they have it nice, they go on vacation. I have nothing, but you don't know their story, right? Maybe they have been staying for three years and finally they are going on this vacation and you're just thinking, oh well, they get to just go on vacations, right? Or the opposite, right, they're probably putting that on credit cards. They probably broke us out and they're still going on vacation because they're not in that place in their life where they are prioritizing their finances. Same thing with relationships, houses, whatever it is.

Keila:

You have to be very mindful that. Do not compare yourself to what you see. Don't compare yourself to that image, because the truth is very, very different. Focus on your own journey, focus on yourself and what is it that you want to accomplish in life? Because the other thing about jealousy is jealousy is not a bad thing, right, envy is jealousy is not a bad thing. Jealousy is telling you you want what they have, right.

Keila:

So, for me, I used to feel jealousy because I wanted what that content creator had, right, I wanted to go on vacation. I wanted, I want to have, you know, time of freedom, of time where I don't have to go to work and I can just, you know, take a trip whenever I want, right. That is just telling you that they have what you want, right. You want, you don't want their life, but you want what they're doing, right. You want to go on vacations, you want to have a nice house, you want to have a beautiful relationship, and that's fine.

Keila:

But you have to really do the work for yourself and say why am I feeling jealous? Why am I feeling, uh, like, why am I? I don't? Am I feeling like, why am I don't want to see this and I just want to like, scroll through and be like whatever show off, like what, what is that really doing for me, and most of the time, it's because there's a level of that that you truly want. And if that's where you are, you need to be clear about how can I get there? Right Cause, being jealous of someone or just saying, wishing you want something, like wishing I want to go on vacations, that doesn't get you anywhere.

Keila:

What gets you somewhere is saying to yourself you know what, like I'm jealous because I want to go on vacations, right, I want to go on vacations. And then you say to yourself, how can I make this happen? Right, you might say how, what do I need to save? What will that actually cost and how can I make it happen? And then you take the steps to do it. Okay, so you have to be very careful of that.

Keila:

Um and this is with anything, this is even comparing yourself to friends or family. Um, I know that for many of us, we see people not so much on social media, but we just hear people who are doing big things, like, maybe somebody graduated college and we're a person that always wanted to go to college and we're like, oh my God, I don't want to see it, I don't want to hear it, because I'm jealous, I want to do that and I've never got to do it. It's really understanding that. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, who you were last year.

Keila:

Don't compare yourself to someone who has been working their ASS off to get to what you're seeing now. Right, they've been working hard, they've been going to school for six years and all you're seeing is them graduating, walking the stage. You're not seeing all the work and all the struggles that they've had to get there, even the house, right, sometimes we see people buying houses and we want to have this nice house and we see them at the end. Right, we see them at the finish line. We see them purchasing the house. We see them with the key in their hands, but we do not know what it took them to get there. You don't know how long they had to save for a down payment for the house. You don't know everything they had to sacrifice in order to save money, or all the classes and all the different things that they had to do. You're only seeing the finish line.

Keila:

Don't compare yourself to someone's finish line. Don't do that to yourself. It is harmful. It will break you down. It will sabotage you. It is not the thing to do. You have to compare yourself to who you were, or compare yourself to where you want to be.

Keila:

If you want to be the person that goes to college and graduates with a college degree and you are here, where you've never been to college, you want to say to yourself, how can I get there? And, believe me, it's little by little. If it's a goal that is really big, like those big dreams that we have of like having this really great career or having this big house or whatever it is, just know that you're not going to get there overnight. You're not going to get there. I feel like I'm going on and on and on. Here I am and I'm still talking about it because I think it's so, so important that I help you understand this, if you feel like you're struggling in this area. It's understanding that the best things in life do not happen overnight, that the best things in life do not happen overnight. They do not happen in a glimpse of a second. They happen little by little and they will take time. They will take work. So stop comparing your beginning to someone's ending. All right, that's all I have for that one.

Keila:

Okay, so now let's move on to another really important one that we need to stop doing, and that is to stop caring what people think, which I know is not easy. I know this is not easy and I know this is an area that we struggle with so much, because hear this all the time right Is that we have we get into this place of so much suffering, so much anger, so much resentment, all about how people, what people think of us, you know, and people making judgments about us. Okay, so let's get into it. I want you to think about for yourself, like, how many times have you hesitated, how many times have you changed your mind or not even done something because you were worried about what someone else might think? Right, I'm sure that you can relate to this. I know I can relate to this. I think this is what stops me from doing a lot of things that I want to do. Right, and it is.

Keila:

This is the habit of caring what others think. Right, it's this silent energy drain, right? It's the creativity killer. It's the joy thief for us women. Right, it's the creativity killer. It's the joy thief for us women, right, and it's really understanding that it's so important for us to learn how to break free from this, because this is going to lead you to have a more.

Keila:

It is part of who we are as individuals that people are going to judge you. People are always going to have an opinion on you and your life. People are always going to have an opinion of the choices you make and ultimately, it really makes no difference. Okay, think about maybe yourself, right? Because we're all. We're all going to have our own opinions. We're all going to have our own judgments because of who we are, the experiences that we've had, right?

Keila:

So, for instance, if you are the type of person who you know, you look at someone else and you see the actions that they've taken and you're saying to yourself why are they doing that? They should be doing this, right? Maybe you know, like I hear of people who maybe their parents wanted them to become a doctor and maybe they started to. Maybe they started going to college and they're doing it because they didn't really want to become a doctor, but they wanted to please their parents and so they really cared what their parents think of them and, of course, that's a very human experience. It's a human need, right? We want to please our parents, we want our parents to be proud of us, and so sometimes you're going to do things that are going to not be totally what you want to do, but you're doing it because you want to please someone. You really do care what they think of you, and that is very true for parents, right? We really want our parents to be proud of us. Our children want us to be proud of them, and so this is an area that I hear a lot of individuals who go down a path that they truly don't want to go down, but because they truly care what their parents say, they are going to do it.

Keila:

And so, let's say, this person starts going down the path of going to medical school, and then they realize this is just not for me, I am miserable. And so, let's say, this person starts going down the path of going to medical school, and then they realize this is just not for me, I am miserable. And so they decide that they're going to take a different path, right. And then let's say that you're the parent, right, you are going to judge, you are going to, you know, have some type of opinion about that. You know if you're the type of parent that wants them to go down this path because you believe that you know what's best for them. You are going to make judgments about it. You shouldn't do that. Why are you doing that? You're going to mess up your life. Going becoming a doctor is the best thing that you could do so you can make money, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Keila:

Right, so it is a human need. I don't know if it's a need, but it's a human. You know, it's part of just the human experience that we are going to judge people because we are going to have our own opinions, and so us, as individuals, we have to understand that. We have to understand that people are going to judge you, they're going to have their opinions about you and ultimately, it is more about them than it is you. And, as individuals, you have to decide what's more important.

Keila:

Is it more important to put this version of myself out there that is going to align with what everybody else wants, or do I want to be happy, authentic, living the life that I truly want, even if it pisses people off, even if people are going to have opinions, even if my mom gets mad at me, even if you know this person doesn't want to be my friend anymore? And the truth is that that is part of being authentic to yourself. And so the understanding is that, when you care what people think, you are neglecting yourself. Right? It's almost like saying to yourself they're more important than me, right, what they believe about me is more important than what I believe about myself, and that is really, really harmful to yourself. Right, because it's almost like you are not on your own side. You are basically abandoning yourself. Right, you are abandoning yourself because of the fear of whatever it is that you're fearing, right, the fear of judgment, the fear of rejection, the fear of criticism.

Keila:

And the truth is that it's going to happen, no matter what, right, no matter what you do. Even think about it, even if you think about a time where you've done something that you were really proud of, and, of course, you're going to have those people who are going to be proud of you, but you're going to have one or two people who are going to judge, that they're going to say but why would you want to do that? You know, or you know, why did why? Why are you happy about that and why didn't you do this? Why did you leave that? Why did you? Why didn't you do this instead?

Keila:

And the truth is that that's just part of life and we have to learn to accept what we want, accept ourselves and, you know, be our own allies and really learn to accept that people are not going to always like us, accept us, accept our choices. And the idea is that you want to say to yourself and remind yourself that it's not important what people think of me. It's more important what I think about myself. Is it more important someone doesn't like you or is it more important that you like yourself? Is it more important that somebody is proud of you for doing something that you truly don't want to do, or is it more important for you to do something that you truly love and that you are truly aligned with right, and I'm hoping right that it's going to always be about you right.

Keila:

Ultimately, you are going to become the person that you love, that you truly accept, because I'm sure that if you have ever been in a time in your life where you have put out this persona because you want to be liked, because you want to be accepted, that that's not going to feel good to you, because you don't feel authentic, you don't feel like it's your true self, and that never feels good because, at the end of the day, you are always going to be with yourself because, at the end of the day, you are always going to be with yourself. So, after putting on this persona out into the world, you come back to yourself and you have to sit with yourself and you have to be with yourself. You have to look at yourself and if you are not being an authentic person, if you're truly putting out this version of yourself that truly is not you or you truly don't like or you don't align with, it's not going to feel good. I want you to understand that people are going to judge you, people are going to criticize you. People are always going to have an opinion about you and your life. Ultimately, it means nothing, because the life that you're living is yours and not theirs and it's. We have to just learn to accept that people are not going to always like us, like what we do, like who we are, and ultimately, it's the work that you need to do within yourself to accept and love the person who you truly are and love the energy that you're putting on to the into this world, that you're putting onto the into this world, um, really, really connect with what you're doing as a human being, so that when people do not like you, when people judge you, when people criticize you, you can say oh, wow, have a nice life. Guess what? I'm still going to be me, I'm still going to do this. I'm still going to be this type of person. And if you don't like it, guess what? That's fine with me, because I like myself and also this takes work.

Keila:

If you are listening to this and you're saying to yourself that is me right, I am basing my decisions, I'm basing my life around what people care or maybe you've caught yourself doing that it's saying to yourself that this is an area that I need to work on, because we all have different experiences. We've gone through traumatic experiences. We've gone to heartbreaks and losses and all kinds of different situations that have caused us to be this way right. We're not born this way right. It's usually something that happens that causes us to have these, um, these traumas and causes us to have these beliefs about ourself. And so it's truly saying to yourself if this is an area that I struggle with, then I know that I need to do some inner work, I need to work with someone. I need to, you know, do some personal development work on myself. I need to do something so that I can start working on this and get to a place where I can get my power back right.

Keila:

I can get to a place where I can say listen, you don't like me, you don't accept this, this is not a part of me that you like, or this is not a decision that you agree with. And guess what? It's okay with me. I love the person I am. I enjoy this, these things that I'm doing. I'm making this decision because I truly align with it, and if you don't like it and if you don't accept it, peace out. Okay, that's what we have to do. We have to get to a place where we can do that. But sometimes it's that awareness, it's that understanding that this is where I am and I want to be there, kayla. I want to be in a place where I do not care what people think, or I can get to a place where I can say I accept that you don't like this decision that I make and it's okay because I did it, because it's what I want to do, and we can get there. We just need to have awareness and then do take the steps to get to that place. Sometimes we can do it on our own. Most of the time. We need help. So, if you're there, say to yourself what is it that I need to do in order to get to that place?

Keila:

Okay, so let's do one more, let's talk about one more that I think is really important as well, and it is that we really need to stop neglecting our own boundaries. It kind of goes hand in hand with the last one that I just talked about, but I think this is an important one, because it is another one that I see that we, as women, struggle with so much, and I know that I've been there and when you neglect your own boundaries been there and when you neglect your own boundaries, you are essentially putting other people's feelings and thoughts before your own. So think about it. Have you ever felt completely depleted, resentful, angry, but you couldn't quite pinpoint why? You're kind of feeling these emotions? Or maybe it's because you have said yes to something when your whole body was basically screaming no. I'm sure you can relate to that, because I know I can, and so this is what we're talking about.

Keila:

Right, we're talking about boundaries, and this is another huge topic that I think we struggle with. I hear about it so much and it's basically a foundation in the work that I do is helping my clients understand the concept of boundaries and why it is essential for us to have our own personal boundaries. There are too many of us that have no boundaries. Too many of us that have no boundaries, we allow people to walk all over us and then we're upset, we are resentful. But the truth is that if you do not know specifically what your boundaries are really, it's ultimately saying what am I okay with and what am I not okay with, and really learning how to let people know that. Right, communicate that to people so that they know and we're not walking around with just these invisible boundaries that we think everyone should know.

Keila:

But the truth is that people just do not know, especially if you've been in the habit of people pleasing and you have let people do whatever they want, have whatever say in your life, walk all over your boundaries, because you truly didn't know. Number one, what my boundaries are, and number two, I don't even know how can I communicate this boundary to others? Right, and I'm not going to go into it so much because I think this would be a whole nother podcast, but I will say that this is an area that we really need to stop doing, right, because when you are not enforcing or even being clear with yourself about what your boundaries are, you are basically sacrificing your own wellbeing, right? You're sacrificing your genuinely like, your genuine desires right For the sake of other people's comfort and approval, and that is neglecting your own needs, it's neglecting who you truly are, right, and it's allowing your boundaries to be consistently stepped all over. I think about it like walking all over you People walking all over you, because number one is, you have not set those expectations for others. I think about it as very simple terms, something that really you have to be very clear about what you're okay with and what you are not okay with, and sometimes that's learning how to say no. It's learning how to start communicating that to others. You know, like practicing it politely but firmly, for instance no, I can't commit to that right now. Thank you for thinking of me, but that doesn't work for my schedule and I think even something as simple as this can be really difficult for many people. Right, I can't say no to them because they're going to get mad at me, and sometimes it's addressing things that bother you, right?

Keila:

If someone is always constantly late when you guys have made dinner plans or coffee plans and you never say anything. But it's something that truly bothers you. That person will continue doing it because you haven't set a boundary around that, right? And it could be something like if your friend and you are scheduled to go out to dinner at six o'clock, you get there at six o'clock and you're waiting for her, and here it is 620 and now she's rolling in and and deep down inside you are pissed off. But she comes in like nothing because it's what she's always done and you've never said anything about it. And so she just, hey, what's up? Not really caring that she was 20 minutes late, and just act like nothing. And then you are upset but you never say anything about it, right?

Keila:

That's the kind of stuff that you have to start really setting boundaries around. And it might be saying hey, I've noticed that every time we go out for dinner you're like 20, 30 minutes late and I'm sitting on waiting for you and that's just not cool. So I need you to let me know if you're running behind or I need you to really give me a time that you're going to be able to be there, if six o'clock doesn't work for you, we can do 630. But I really do not like waiting around for you for 30 minutes. It's not cool, right, and the truth is depending everyone's different, right. But the truth is that she may get upset at you. She may be like why are you making this a big deal? I was 20 minutes late, big deal. Or she may say, oh my God, I am so sorry. You never said anything so I didn't think it bothered you, and sometimes things happen.

Keila:

But ultimately you have to say something about it. You have to draw a boundary, because if not, it's going to become into something really big, right? If you are not clear about what you're okay with and you do not communicate that with others, people are going to do whatever they want. They're going to walk all over these invisible boundaries that you've never really communicated to people. So it's really important for you to understand that, in order for you to be treated the way that you want to be treated, first you need to know what does that even look like or feel like you know, identify your own needs, what do you need and what do you want? What drains you, what energizes you, so that you can then be clear about that. And then you want to communicate those boundaries that you want right, communicate the limits regarding your time, energy, like I just said, right, emotional, you know your emotional availability, for instance.

Keila:

Another example would be you know, maybe you have a friend that calls you to just vent, and a lot of times she does it in the evenings when you are tired and you are exhausted. But you listen to her because you're afraid that if you don't, if you tell her like you don't have time for this, or you tell her this is not a good time, she's going to get upset at you and she's going to call you a bad friend. Right, and the truth is that you are not a bad friend, because if I am venting to you, I want to make sure that you're in a space where you can hold. You know you can listen to me, but if you're telling me that, you know someone is calling you at eight o'clock at night to vent and you have no emotional energy, that's that's a boundary that you need to set, and it might be something like listen, I hear you, I can tell that you really had a hard day, but right now I don't even have any energy to listen right now, but tomorrow I am more than happy for you to. You know, we can meet up for coffee or you can call me during lunch, but right now I, just my brain cannot take it, you know, and ultimately part of the boundary setting is you learning how to be okay with people not being okay.

Keila:

So, being okay with people getting mad at you, being okay with people resenting you, right, it's all about that acceptance piece, which is understanding that your boundaries people are not going to always like your boundaries. They're going to get upset, that your boundaries people are not going to always like your boundaries. They're going to get upset at your boundaries. But it's because maybe it's always been this way. And so if you're saying to yourself now, like I need to set some boundaries, people are not going to like it. They're going to be upset, they're going to push back.

Keila:

And your job is to learn to say I need to be okay with people not being okay. And that's where the people pleasing thing comes into play, right, because that's usually what happens. They throw all their crap on you and then you're like no, no, it's fine, it's fine, you know, I can listen to you. No, it's fine, yeah, yeah, I can, I can, I can do that for you, no big deal. And then you hang up and you're like why did I do that? I needed to do X, y or Z or why did I do that? Now I feel so like drained, right, it's learning that it's okay If people get mad at you. It's learned that it's okay If someone resents you for it. You know, people are not always supposed to like your boundaries.

Keila:

You have people that respect your boundaries and like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. You're right, it's late. You know what? I'll give you a call tomorrow. And then you have those that are like are you serious? You're like my best friend and I need someone to talk to and you really are not going to be able to listen to me.

Keila:

And that's the hard part, right? The hard part is dealing with people who really will get upset at you, really push back on you, and you have to be or learn, right, because this is learning. It's learning how to be okay with that right. I know guilt will come up and you're like oh my God, I feel so guilty that I couldn't do that, or I feel so guilty that I said that to her. Right, and it's a practice. It's practicing how to communicate those boundaries with people in a way that it's going to be assertive, right, because you want to make sure people understand it, but also do it in a way that is not going to come across as you're being bitchy or anything.

Keila:

And again, listen, I've been places, I've been in situations where I have set boundaries and I will try to say it in the nicest possible way and the person, if the person is not ready to receive no matter how nice, no matter any way that you say it, they are going to feel offended by it. So this is a you thing, this is a you situation that you need to work through that, because you can say I love you and I really do want to help you, because I know that this is important to you, but right now I really do not have the energy to do that. I will I you know, I can help you tomorrow, but today I just cannot. And you can say again the nicest possible way, and they're still going to get pissed off at you and they might curse at you and they might not talk to you for a couple of days, and you know what. You have to learn how to be okay with that. You have to learn to say that is their stuff and it's not my responsibility to manage it. She's pissed off. She's going to have to learn how to manage that. And if she wants to talk to me tomorrow, I'm here, but I just can't. And she has to learn to accept that.

Keila:

And that's the hard part, right? The hard part is saying to yourself I accept that they're going to be mad and I tell my clients all the time you have to go in with that expectation that they might not like it. You can't go in there with the expectation that they're going to be fine with it, because then you'll let yourself down and then you're going to feel worse. It's saying I have to set this boundary and they are probably not going to like it. They're probably going to get mad at me, but I need to do this because it's what I know is going to make me feel good. I cannot do this. I cannot accept this. I need to communicate this to this person and they're probably not going to like it and I have to learn to be okay with that.

Keila:

In the beginning it's hard. I know working with clients who are learning how to set boundaries is always hard. It probably takes a lot of practice and it probably is going to take you time, especially for those individuals that you have never set boundaries with. You have never clearly communicated your boundary, even though you felt that you needed to. It's going to take time, it's going to take practice, but I guarantee you the personal power that you gain from setting boundaries, enforcing your boundaries, communicating your boundaries is out of this world. It makes you feel so good because you are actually putting out there the information that this is how I want to be treated, this is how I want to feel, and in the beginning it is hard, but ultimately you're going to gain so much self-confidence and it's going to feel amazing. I know that it has for me and I know it will for you. Okay, I hope you're still with me.

Keila:

I know we're about 40 minutes in, but I think these are really important areas that we really just need to stop doing, because it is sabotaging our self, our self-confidence. Stop doing, because it is sabotaging our self, our self-confidence. It is not a way that we pour into ourselves and we really need to be mindful of any of these times that we are doing this. Okay, so today we explore three crucial areas where we, as women, really need to stop doing in order to be our full, authentic self, and that is getting caught in the comparison trap, caring what other people think of us and sacrificing ourselves through people pleasing and neglecting our boundaries. The beautiful truth is that you have the power to change these patterns.

Keila:

Healing isn't just about what you're doing. It's also profoundly about what you stop doing. So by releasing these harmful habits, you can create space for self-love, self-acceptance and true thriving. So what I want you to do this week is to identify which of these three areas you're truly struggling with, and I want you to focus on that specific area and just remember any small step that you can take in the other direction to help yourself to. Either maybe you need to set more boundaries with other people, maybe you really need to be mindful when you are comparing yourself to others, or maybe you are truly struggling with caring what other people think of you, or they like you, and I want you to use that to work on setting small little goals that you can do for yourself so that you can start getting on the other side.

Keila:

Okay, thank you so much for joining me for today's episode, and I will talk to you next week. Take care. Thank you so much for joining this conversation today. I hope this episode was helpful to you on your healing journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode packed with valuable tips and insights designed to empower you. If you found value in this episode, I'd be so grateful if you left me a review. Wherever you're listening from and share your thoughts and feedback. This really helps me to reach more women, just like you. Thanks for listening.