She Can Heal Podcast

Ep. 45 - The Importance of Self-Trust: Finding Your Inner Compass

• Keila Aldea, LCSW • Season 2 • Episode 45

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Self-trust is foundational to our peace, power, and progress, yet many women struggle to rely on their inner wisdom due to societal conditioning and external expectations. This episode explores why trusting yourself is essential for authentic living and how to rebuild that connection to your internal compass.

• Defining self-trust as believing in your judgment, intuition, and ability to navigate life's challenges
• Understanding how we're conditioned to seek external validation instead of trusting ourselves
• A six-question self-assessment quiz to determine where you stand with self-trust
• The importance of self-trust as your internal compass, fuel for authentic living, and foundation for resilience
• What happens when we trust others more than ourselves: loss of identity, resentment, regret, and increased anxiety
• Three practical ways to increase self-trust: keeping small promises to yourself, listening to your intuition, and practicing self-compassion
• Building self-trust as an ongoing journey that requires patience but delivers profound rewards in confidence and peace

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a woman in your life who needs to hear this message, and don't forget to follow the show so you never miss another episode.


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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome back to another episode on the she Can Heal podcast. Thank you so much for joining me for today's conversation, and today we're going to dive deep into a topic that I think is so foundational to our peace, to our power and to our progress, and that is the topic of self-trust. And I know, for me, this is something that I've been working on for the past couple of years, which is truly learning how to trust myself, my inner wisdom, and just being able to rely just on me. I know for many of us, depending on things that we've been through in our lives, that self-trust can be hard to navigate, just because we've been so used to the words and the expectations of others, and so I think that, as women, we are doing so much right. We are constantly juggling different things in our lives. So we have our careers, we have our families, we have relationships and, of course, the expectations of society right, and somewhere along the way, we might lose touch with that quiet, powerful voice within us. You know, that one that knows us best, guides us and truly has our back. And that voice, my friends, is self-trust. So I wanted to start off by defining what self-trust is, because I know it's a word that sometimes is misunderstood, and so so what exactly is self-trust At its core?

Speaker 1:

Self-trust is believing in your own judgment, in your own intuition, your ability to navigate life's challenges. It's the confidence that you'll make the right decisions for yourself, even when things are uncertain. It's trusting that you're capable, resilient and that you're worthy of your own belief. But here's the thing many of us struggle with it. We're conditioned to seek validation externally, to defer to other people's opinions and sometimes to second guess our every move. And I tell you personally, this is something that has definitely been my story, where, again, I've been working on this for the last couple of years.

Speaker 1:

But even something as simple as going to buy yourself an outfit especially if, like my situation is I grew up with three sisters we are very close and we always rely on each other for different things, you know. So I remember even going to the store to buy an outfit and instead of just looking in the mirror and asking myself, do I like how this fits me, do I like how I feel in it? Right, we have and I'm pretty sure you can relate to this in some way where you go to the store to go buy yourself an outfit and you need someone else's opinion. You look at it and you're like I think it looks cute, but I'm going to go ask my friend. In my case, I'm going to just go ask my sisters how do you think this looks? And the problem with that is that everybody's going to have their own opinion. You're going to have your own opinion, your friend's going to have their own opinion, you're going to have your own opinion, your friend's going to have her own opinion, and so she's going to give you an opinion from her perspective, which can be totally different than yours. And so when you learn how to rely on others which is something that you know like has happened to me I relied on asking them for their opinions and using their opinions to make the choice of something that I'm going to wear, which right, if you think about it, like I'm just thinking about it myself, how ridiculous does that sound?

Speaker 1:

That I'm going to wear this? This is actually going to be on my body, but my opinion is not good enough. I need the opinion of someone else who isn't in my body to give me, to tell me if I should buy this or not, or if this looks good or not. You know and it wasn't until, personally, I went through a fallout with my sisters that I had no choice but to depend on myself. I didn't have the ability to check in with them and ask them if they felt this outfit looked good on me. And it was a nice lesson for me to start learning how to rely on myself and also learning that my opinion is the opinion that matters, because everyone else is going to tell you oh, that color doesn't look good on you or that fit doesn't look good on you. And the most important thing is, do I think it looks good on me? Do I like how it fits me?

Speaker 1:

But for some reason, we've gotten conditioned to believe that we can't rely on our own opinion. We need the opinions of others, and this is just an example of something that it can come up for us. Very simple example, but I'm sure that there's tons of examples of if you're making a really important decision, right? So if I am making a really big decision, such as maybe leaving my job, switching jobs or moving or any of those big decisions, we have to learn how to trust ourselves and know that we have the inner wisdom inside of ourselves to make the decision that we feel is best for us at the time. And if we start to ask other people for their opinion, that is going to skew your opinion of what you want to do. Right, it's going to make you kind of question yourself, because someone else is going to have a very different opinion. They're going to say, why would you leave this great job to do this other thing? Or why would you leave a place that you've always known to go somewhere else? And of course, they don't know the answer to that. Because you've made that decision for yourself for a reason. Right, you're leaving this job for a reason. You are deciding to move out of town for a reason, and other people are not going to understand it. Because that is your perspective, that is your life, that's the decision that you're making. We have to learn how to rely on ourselves and trust ourselves when we're making decisions.

Speaker 1:

All right, To help you get a sense of where you might be on this self-trust journey, I put together a little mini quiz. So I want you to take a moment and, if you're able to grab a pen and paper or you can just answer these in your head, if you're kind of on the go and there's no right or wrong answers. We're just going to be reflecting and getting some insight onto kind of where we are on this trajectory. Okay, and so there's six questions. So I want you to answer these questions for yourself as honestly as possible, so that you can understand where are you when it comes to your self-trust.

Speaker 1:

All right, number one when faced with a big decision, do you typically spend more time seeking advice from others than listening to your own gut feeling? Yes or no? Number two do you often doubt your initial instinct or change your mind frequently after making a choice? Yes or no? Do you find yourself saying yes to things you'd rather not do, just to please others or avoid conflict? Yes or no? After making a mistake, do you dwell on it for a long time, harshly criticizing yourself? Yes or no? Do you often feel overwhelmed by choices, sometimes even avoiding making them all together? Yes or no? And last but not least, do you find it difficult to set boundaries with others, even when you know you need to? Yes or no? Okay Now, if you've answered yes to three or more of these questions, that's a good indication that you might be struggling with self-trust, and that's okay, because this is a tool.

Speaker 1:

This is a tool for reflection for us to gain insight into where are we, how are we doing with this, okay? Okay, let's move on. So why is learning to trust ourselves so incredibly important? I'm going to go over some key points with you to help you to understand this. So what's the importance of self-trust? So, number one is that self-trust is your internal compass. So when you trust yourself, you have a reliable guide through life's complexities. You're less likely to get lost in the noise of external opinions or swayed by fleeting trends. This is a big one, right? It is our internal compass. It is what guides us through all the different parts of life, and so when we can learn to really focus in on that internal compass, it's going to help us to make decisions that much more easier, because now we are relying on ourselves. Okay.

Speaker 1:

Number two it fuels authentic living. Self-trust allows you to live in alignment with your true values and desires, not just what others expect of you. This leads to a deeper sense of fulfillment and genuine happiness, and ultimately, that's what we are aiming for, right? We're aiming to live in our authentic self. We want to live an authentic life Because, if you think about it, if you're constantly making decisions based upon what other people you know, other people's opinions, what they think you should do, then you're not really being authentic, right? You're not being your true self and that doesn't feel good, all right. Number three it builds resilience. So when you trust your ability to handle whatever comes your way, you become more resilient in the face of setbacks. You know, you learn from mistakes and you bounce back stronger.

Speaker 1:

So earlier we talked about making a choice that is right for us. Right. Making a choice that is right for us, right. And I think the most important part is to the self-trust is that sometimes we say I can't trust myself to make this decision because it's probably going to be the wrong decision. And the truth is, like I said earlier, right, it's the decision that you decide to make is the right decision at the time. Right, and that doesn't mean that it's gonna work out completely well. It just means that this is the path that you have decided to go. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't.

Speaker 1:

That doesn't mean that you don't trust yourself, that you should doubt yourself. It just means that that's life and some things are going to be great and some things are not. If I trust that I am doing the right decision for myself by leaving this job, by moving to another state, by leaving this relationship. It doesn't mean that it's going to be all rainbows and sunshine. It's not going to be all great right, there might be challenges, there might be bumps in the road, but the point is that that doesn't mean that you should not have trusted yourself. It just means that the choice you made went down this other path. Okay, and if you think about yourself ever making a choice, not everything is going to work out, but that's part of life. It doesn't mean that you're untrustworthy, that you need to listen to other people more than yourself.

Speaker 1:

Number four it empowers decision-making. So no more paralysis by analysis. Self-trust empowers you to make decisions confidently, even when they're difficult, knowing that you'll adapt and that you'll learn along the way. Right. Just what we were talking about. And the last one is it impacts your relationships. When you trust yourself, you show up more authentically in your relationships, you're less likely to be a people pleaser and you're more likely to attract relationships that truly honor and respect you. So this is why it's so important to learn how to trust ourselves. It is about learning that I know what's best for me and I can rely on myself. It's okay to ask for opinions of others, but really it's just saying to yourself I know that this is the choice for me or this is the choice I want to make. I know that I can rely on myself and I can come to myself when I need to make a decision and I know that I'm making it from my core, it's from my true self. All right, so let's talk about the flip side of this.

Speaker 1:

What happens when we trust others more than we trust ourselves? And this is something common that we all go through, especially for women, who are often socialized to be agreeable and nurturing that's what women are expected to be. So when we're consistently prioritizing others' opinions, their needs and desires over our own, these are some of the things you can experience. Number one is the loss of identity. We might start to lose touch with who we truly are and what we genuinely want, as your decisions are constantly shaped by external forces, right, so you kind of lose who you truly are, and I hear this from so many women of. They get so wrapped up in their relationships and they lose their voice. They lose who they truly are, and a lot of times that happens when big changes happen, where you do end a long-term relationship, a long marriage, you do switch careers, you do lose this big part of who you are. So that's why it's so important to learn how to trust ourselves, our boys and our inner wisdom.

Speaker 1:

The second thing is resentment and burnout. You're're constantly catering to others, which is going to lead to deep-seated resentment, exhaustion and a feeling of being drained. I can definitely relate to that yours leading to feelings of regret and missed opportunities. That's a big one, right there. Right, when we make decisions based upon what other people think is best for us versus what we think we should be doing, absolutely you're going to feel regret. I hear this from a lot of different people, even listening to podcasts and things like that people who have decided that they were just not happy going through this direction because their parents, their spouse, and they realize that I'm not even living the life that I want. I'm living the life that my mom wanted, I'm living the life that you know this person thought would be best for me, and so absolutely you'll be filled with regret.

Speaker 1:

Lack of fulfillment is another one, so when you're not living authentically, it's hard to feel truly fulfilled and joyful, kind of what I was just saying, right? Well, you might achieve external success, but it will still feel like an internal emptiness, okay. And lastly, you will have increased anxiety and indecision. So you're constantly looking outside of yourself for answers, and that can lead to increased anxiety and indecision. So you're constantly looking outside of yourself for answers, and that can lead to chronic anxiety and an inability to make even simpler decisions. Right, it's such a cycle that, honestly, it can be hard to break, but it's absolutely possible.

Speaker 1:

And that's what's going to bring us to this next exciting part, which is how can we begin increasing our self-trust? And again, it's not an overnight fix, right, but consistent effort is going to help you get there, all right. So I hope that you are really gaining some clarity from the conversation so far. I know that I have, because this is an area that so many of us women struggle with, and I think the important part is not only understanding the importance of trusting ourselves, but also what is the downfall when we don't trust ourselves. All right, so we are going to move forward and I'm going to share with you three ways that you can begin increasing your self-trust. Okay, so we are moving on to the good part, the part where now we can start to really think about all right, what do I need to do in order to increase my self-trust? And if you took the quiz and you got the result that I'm really struggling in this area, then let's pay attention to this part. This is the most important part, all right, so I'm going to share with you three ways.

Speaker 1:

So the first one is start small and keep your promises to yourself. I've heard this one so many times and it's so true. So this is probably the most important step, right, because self-trust is built on evidence. So every time that you make a promise to yourself and keep it, you're depositing a small coin in your self-trust bank. For example, if you decide you're going to wake up 15 minutes earlier to meditate, do it right. If you plan to spend 30 minutes on a hobby, do it. If you say you'll respond to an email by a certain time, do it Right. It can be that simple why this works.

Speaker 1:

These small, consistent actions demonstrate to your subconscious mind that you are reliable. You show yourself that you can follow through, which builds confidence in your own capabilities. You don't have to make any grand, overwhelming promises at first. Again, it's starting small, you know, start with little commitments that you know you can keep, and it gradually increase the stakes. That is such an easy and fundamental step in learning how to trust ourselves, because, if you think about it, every time that you have told yourself that you're going to do something, you're going to start something, and you don't do it, tell me how you feel. I know this has happened to me so many times and I don't follow through with the promises that I keep to myself. That does not feel good. So start small and let's begin to keep little promises to ourselves so that we can start to build that muscle.

Speaker 1:

Okay, number two practice listening to your intuition, aka your gut feeling. This is another big one, and your intuition is your inner knowing, a quiet wisdom that often speaks before your logical mind kicks in. We've often been taught to ignore it, but it's a powerful source of self-trust. I think for many of us it's that we've never got into the habit of actually listening and paying attention to our gut. A lot of us just ignore it. Even though we know we shouldn't do X or we know we shouldn't do Y, we say it's okay, right, we ignore our inner self, like that gut feeling. You know what that feels like, but if you've been ignoring it for a long time, it can be really difficult to begin to start trusting your gut. So here's how you can do it Pay attention to your initial reaction to people, situations or decisions Before you overthink.

Speaker 1:

What does your gut say? Does something feel off, even if you can't logically explain why, or does something feel expansive and right? I've heard of people telling me this. You know it's like I can feel that this is not right for me. I feel it in my body, Like my. I feel this, this inner knowing that this just isn't right. Or I feel that the energy, like this energy, is just not feeling good and it's our job to begin to say, all right, I'm going to listen to myself, I'm going to pay attention.

Speaker 1:

Some actionable steps that you can take with this is journaling. So, after an interaction or a decision, write down what your gut feeling was before you analyzed it. See if it aligns with what actually happened. Mindful pauses Before responding to an email or making a quick decision. Take a deep breath and ask yourself what does my intuition tell me here? Reflect on past experiences. Think of times that you did listen to your gut and it served you well. Acknowledge those moments and, similarly, reflect on the times that you didn't listen and what was the outcome. So this is a really important one, because this one is actually practicing and giving yourself little moments to really check in with yourself through journaling, mindful pauses and reflection, which are all very great tools to use.

Speaker 1:

Okay, number three embrace imperfections and practice self-compassion. You know I always talk about self-compassion, so a major barrier to self-trust is the fear of making mistakes and the harsh self-criticism that often follows. And you're not going to make the perfect choice all the time, and we have to learn how to be okay with that. So here's how you can do it Understand that mistakes are learning opportunities. Every choice, even the ones that don't yield the desired outcome, provides valuable information. It's not a failure, it's feedback. Talk to yourself like you would a friend. So when you make a wrong decision, instead of saying, oh I'm so stupid, why did I do that? Try. Okay, that didn't go as planned, what can I learn from this, how can I adjust next time and you can forgive yourself. Holding onto past failures it just erodes your self-trust. So acknowledge what happened, learn from it and then consciously choose to release it.

Speaker 1:

Self-compassion is the antidote to self-doubt. All right, so those are the three ways that we can begin to increase self-trust, and I don't know about you, but I'm like that doesn't sound so hard, right. Beginning to make little promises to myself and follow through with those promises I can do that. Beginning to give myself moments to actually listen to my intuition right, we can do that. And learning how to embrace our imperfections. And using self-compassion just like we would to a friend. That is all very doable.

Speaker 1:

So remember, building trust is a journey. It's not a destination. Right, it's going to require you to be patient and to practice and a commitment to showing up for yourself. But let me tell you this the rewards are, of course, worth it. When you trust yourself, you unlock a profound sense of inner peace and unwavering confidence and the ability to truly create the life that you desire. Right, it's all about living in your authentic power. It's living authentically in your life. Remember the quiz that you took. Even if you identified areas that you were struggling, know that every day is a new opportunity to make choices that build your self-trust. Again, starting small. Listen to your intuition. Be kind to yourself, because you are worthy of your own belief. Okay, so that's all for today's episode. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a woman in your life who needs to hear this message. And don't forget to follow the show so you never miss another episode, and I will talk to you again next week, take care.