She Can Heal Podcast

Ep. 47 - The Power of Gratitude Without the Toxic Positivity

• Keila Aldea, LCSW

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Have you ever caught yourself saying "I shouldn't complain, I should be grateful" even when you're genuinely struggling? That's not gratitude—that's dismissal of your authentic feelings.

After hearing the story of a young woman who had her entire colon removed in her twenties, I found myself reflecting on how often we take our health for granted. We complain about stretch marks or minor imperfections while forgetting to appreciate that our hearts have been pumping perfectly for decades, our lungs working effortlessly, our bodies carrying us through life.

True gratitude isn't about ignoring life's difficulties or comparing your struggles to others who "have it worse." It's about acknowledging the small blessings that sustain us—a safe home, warm water for showers, the ability to walk without pain—while still honoring our complete emotional experience.

The healthier approach embraces the "both/and" reality of life. You can be grateful for your amazing children while feeling overwhelmed by motherhood. You can appreciate having employment while recognizing your job is draining your wellbeing. You can love caring for an aging parent while acknowledging the physical and emotional toll.

What small blessing might you be overlooking today? And how might you practice gratitude without dismissing your true feelings?

90-day Self-Growth Journal - A great companion you can use on your healing journey. For 90 days you will have daily prompts on the topics of self-love, self-care and gratitude.  This journal is great for beginners, novice and anyone that wants to dive deeper into their true selves.   https://amzn.to/4fk14sq

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Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to the she Can Heal podcast, a podcast aimed at helping women heal and thrive emotionally, physically and spiritually. I am your host, kayla Eldia. I'm a licensed therapist and a self-care advocate that is passionate about helping women take back their power and help them realize they're important, worthy and deserve the care and attention they give to those they love most in their lives. This show is meant to help inspire you on your healing journey, no matter if you're in the discovery phase and are just realizing that you have unhealed wounds, habits and mindsets that are keeping you stuck in your life, or you've been on this journey for a while and are looking for inspiration, encouragement and or new tools to help you continue on your healing journey. My goal is to help you realize that you can heal from all that life has thrown at you and are capable of evolving into your healthiest and happiest version. On this show, I will provide you with resources, tools and insights to help you heal and thrive emotionally, physically and spiritually, because you deserve all of that. So if you're ready to ditch the guilt and make yourself a priority, then you're in the right place, because the truth is that you can't pour from an empty cup, even though most of us do this on a regular, and we really need to stop that nonsense. So get ready to be inspired, motivated and equipped to truly thrive. Hello and welcome to another episode on the she Can Heal podcast. I hope that you are doing well and are ready for today's conversation.

Speaker 1:

And today's conversation was inspired by a recent podcast episode that I actually listened to, and I was listening to the Maria Menounos podcast. I believe it's called the Heal Squad, and I just happened to come across this podcast and it's all about women's health, so it's a really good one for those of us in our middle age years. And the episode that I listened to she was interviewing a woman who was sharing her journey with a really difficult health issue. So this woman was talking about that. In her 20s she started having these really bad gastrointestinal symptoms, and she was in her 20s so again, she was so young and she was talking about how she had all these symptoms and the doctors really gave her a lot of different. She did a lot of different medicines and different treatments, and her doctors really told her that she needed to have her colon removed. Okay, the colon, which is your large intestine, which is responsible for so many important functions in our body, specifically getting rid of our waste and so much more. But I can't even imagine so I believe she was in her twenties where she had to have her colon removed and just that alone, my God, my heart was just breaking for her because she was so young and I can't even imagine having a major organ removed from my body. And this girl was in her 20s and she went through that and she had to wear one of those bags on the side that basically was taking place of the large intestine. So that's where she used the bathroom and luckily she talked about her journey. But she and she talked about how they were able to reverse this procedure, meaning that they were able to take her small intestine and take a portion of it and make it into her large intestine and of course it's not going to be the same, but she was able to use the bathroom and all of those things.

Speaker 1:

And just talking about her journey made me so grateful and so blessed that I have a healthy body, that I have my organs are working perfectly well, that I don't have to think about anything like that, I don't have to think about taking medication, I don't have to think about being in so much pain, I don't have to think about going to the doctor or the hospital for all these types of procedures, and I think that so many of us, we take these little things for granted and I say little things, but these are the big things Our health. We take our health for granted so much. Think about it. When do you really really think about how blessed you are that you have a working body, that your heart is pumping and doing well, that you can breathe on your own, your lungs are working perfectly well, that your stomach, that your digestion, that your muscles are good, that you can walk, that you have arms and fingers to do other things that you automatically get to do, and we just take those things for granted? I think about myself and how much I complain about the stupid little things. Right, I complain about stretch marks and I complain about this ugly scar that I have on my knee that I absolutely hate and I always want to hide. And I think about those little things.

Speaker 1:

But when you think about or when you hear someone's story like that and this is just one example, because Maria Menounos, I guess, herself she had brain surgery and she's in her forties, so I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but just hearing this young lady's story again, she's in her thirties now and she had to go through eight years of so much pain and she talked about how that really affected her ability to just be out and about, because she had a bowel disease and a bowel disease is one of probably one of the worst ones, because you know that is embarrassing when you for her she had to run to the bathroom because she just couldn't process, things just weren't working the way they're supposed to, down there and then to be told that you have to have this major part of your body removed, and just to think about everything that she had to go through. I mean, again, I just can't even imagine that. She also talked about how that affected her ability to have children and so she was able to get pregnant. But because she didn't have her real colon which one of the things that it does, is it really um, puts more, gives us water, gives us water into our, into our body, into ourselves, and things like that she had on her last uh trim, she had to have these IV infusions every single day for several hours. And again, you're just thinking about yourself and I think about my pregnancies and how easy they were and how I enjoyed it and how delivery was, and you know, all those things that we take for granted.

Speaker 1:

You have people who really have so much difficulty in their lives, and this just reminded me that one of the things that I actually utilized during a very difficult time and really be with myself and understand that I needed to learn more about how to make my mindset better, and one of the tools, one of the areas that I really learned about was gratitude, and if you are a person who has heard about gratitude but hasn't really known how to utilize it, doesn't know to like how does it really work? I was that person where I heard about gratitude and I think what we tend to focus on is what we call toxic gratitude. Right, it's ignoring all the bad stuff and just saying but I am grateful for. Right, and this is not what I'm talking about. I'm not saying that we are going to use gratitude as this mask to make everything better and to ignore and to avoid things. It is that we can use gratitude in a way to really enrich our lives and to really focus on the little things. Focus on the things that we don't realize are the big things.

Speaker 1:

I remember at that time I wasn't really happy where I was working, and I remember learning about gratitude, and one of the first things that I learned about is that in order for you to get anything better, in order for you to make space for the things that actually you want in your life, you actually have to be grateful and not forget about the things that you have. And so that might be like for me. You know, I was just unhappy with my job and I had to utilize gratitude because, although I wanted something different and although I wasn't happy with what I had, I had to remind myself that I have a job, I am able to bring income into my home, I am able to buy groceries and pay the bills, that, although I want something better, I can't forget that what I do have, which is it might not be what you want, but you do have something that you should be grateful for, because without it you would be in a really bad situation. Okay, now, if we bring it back to health, it's that so many of us take for granted good health. We take for granted not being able body.

Speaker 1:

How many people are disabled and they can't do half of the things that we do. And we are complaining because we have a little bit of fat around our midsection or because, again, you know, we have this little scar that in the big scheme of things, it doesn't really matter because everything works perfectly fine. Yes, I might have a little scar, but my legs are strong, my muscles are great, I can get up from the floor, I can run, I can work out, I can go up the stairs with no problem. Meanwhile, there's people who, technically, can't do any of those things because they have some type of a physical disability or because they have some type of health issue, and so the idea here is that we need to remind ourselves that, in order for us to live a happy and fulfilling life, we can't forget about the little things that help us to have a good life right Our health, our physical strength.

Speaker 1:

You know, even if you are working and you don't like your job, we have to be grateful that at least I have income coming in, and I'm going to be grateful that I have the ability to get in a car and drive to work. I have the ability to go to this job and get a paycheck that's going to help me to live the life that I have right now, because without it, I wouldn't be able to put food on the table, I wouldn't be able to afford all the things that I have in my life. And that was something that was big for me, because, although I was unhappy with my job, and if I want something better, right, the universe isn't just going to give it to you. Especially if you're a complainer, if you're constantly complaining about your boss and your job and the commute and anything else that comes with your job, the universe is not going to gift you with what you're looking for. Because one of the things that's important when it comes to the law of karma is that you have to give positivity. You have to give in order to receive. And so for me, it was saying to myself I want a better job, or I want a job that can give me these other things that I just don't have here. But also, I can't forget that I have a job, that I have an income and I'm going to be grateful for the little things, right, I'm going to be grateful that I'm able to continue working at a time where a lot of people are losing their jobs, that, although I want a different job for these specific reasons, I do have good coworkers and I do have, you know, bosses that are understanding. And also I want different, and that's okay.

Speaker 1:

Same thing with our health, right, we can't complain that we are overweight or that we have no energy, because we have to realize that you are. Let's just use myself I am 46 years old and for 46 years my heart has been working perfectly right. It has been pumping and it has been helping me right. My lungs have been helping me to breathe for all these years. You know, it's like our body has sustained so much and for a lot of us, we don't even treat our bodies good and still our bodies show up for us every single day. Yes, we're going to get sick, yes, things are going to go back from time to time, but the most important thing is for us to remind ourselves that, although things are not the way that I want them to be, I can't forget about the things that are working right, the things that are going well, because that's where our mindset goes. Our mindset goes into everything that isn't going the way that you want it to go, and we tend to forget that. You know what All of these things are going by, right?

Speaker 1:

I don't like my job, for whatever reason, but it's consistent income the income keeps coming in which allows me to do all the things that I need to do and I can still put in the work to find another job. But in the meantime, I'm going to be grateful. It is a blessing that I get to work, that I get to provide income for my family and that I get to live the life that I'm living. And, of course, we're always going to want more. We are always going to want more. That's just how it is. But also, it's okay to want more. It's okay to want to make more money, it's okay to want a better job, it's okay to want a bigger house.

Speaker 1:

But in order for you to achieve those things, you also have to be grateful that you have what you have, even though it's not ideally what you want. If I want a better house, if I want a bigger house, then I am going to treat my house with care. I'm going to be grateful that you know what. My home is safe, it's secure, I have hot water, I have a bed that I can sleep on, I have everything that I need and I am going to be grateful for that and also I'm going to work on doing what I need to do in order to get something better.

Speaker 1:

But it's always the reminder that we really need to remind ourselves of gratitude and why gratitude is so important. It's because it is the understanding that what we have right now, even if it's not exactly what we want to have. But we have to also understand that for many of us, we don't really understand how blessed we are. And I think I'm going to go back to health, just because it is such an underutilized or a underappreciated thing, right, and we really don't understand how our lives can completely change if our health wasn't good, if we had a really debilitating diagnosis, which I see from time to time, and how really difficult that could be and how life could really change for you with just something like that, like I think about. You know, we take for granted walking and we take for granted, you know, going to the gym and we take for granted all those kinds of things, but all it takes is a bad accident, all it takes is a bad fall, all it takes is some type of incident that will disrupt your healthy, strong body and then you are going to completely wish that things were the way that they were. You wish that you know that you did appreciate your body. And here you are.

Speaker 1:

I think about myself once, where you know where I'm a human being. So of course I'm not going to think about things and I am going to forget how lucky I am, how blessed I am to have a healthy body. And I remember one time I was going down the stairs and I kind of missed a step and I kind of pulled a muscle or I can't remember it was a while ago, but I hurt my I think it was my ankle, the bottom of my foot, and I was kind of limping a little bit. And I remember saying, oh my god, I hope that I did not do anything really bad to my foot, because how much I depend on my foot to walk and to do other things that I want to do. And in that moment I remember saying, oh my God, like I can't take this for granted. I can't take my feet for granted, because this is all it takes. It takes an accident. And then you're going to realize that, wow, I really took it. I took for granted that I had two healthy legs and feet and how much we actually depend on our feet to get around and to be mobile.

Speaker 1:

And if you've ever broken some type of a bone or something like that and you cannot use that part of your body, how debilitating it was and how difficult it was, you know. I think about my son. He had surgery on his shoulder area and he had to wear one of those arm slings for many, many months, and how difficult it was. He had to learn how to do everything with one hand. And you don't think about it because, again, it's things that we don't have to think about. Everything is automatic. You don't have to think about, you know, picking things up and you don't have to think about kneeling down and going upstairs and going downstairs. Those things you don't have to think about, right. But the moment something happens and you lose the ability to use some part of your body, boom, right. That's when it really hits you of how, like, how much of an adjustment you have to go through in order to function without that body part for a little bit. And then we have this young lady who, literally in her twenties she was in the prime time of her life she had to have her whole colon removed and everything that went with that, and I was just thinking to myself how blessed and how lucky I am that I don't have to go through that, but also reminded me that I have to really remind myself how much of a blessing it is that I get to function in the way that I function.

Speaker 1:

But I also want to talk about toxic gratitude, because I want to be very clear that I am not talking about using gratitude to invalidate our emotions or to make excuses for the things that are not going well in our lives, because that's not what this is about. And toxic gratitude, just like something that's also called toxic positivity, is something that we can really use to cause us harm emotionally. And this is how it can sound. It can be something like someone saying I should be so grateful that I even have a job, especially one that pays well. Some women don't have that Even though my job is toxic, my job gives me so much stress, my boss makes me work 60 plus hours and it is just. I come home depleted every day. Let's think about what that does, right? It invalidates that our job is tough, that I'm constantly experiencing stress, and so we're not saying I have to be great. I can't. I shouldn't complain, because I should be grateful that I have a job. No, I'll give you an example.

Speaker 1:

I was working with a client once and she had lost her job and so she was really in a bad spot because she wasn't having any income coming in. So she started to redo her resume. She was looking for jobs and she had an interview for a job that she was really looking forward to, and on our last appointment she was going to go for that interview and when I saw her the following week, she had mentioned that they decided not to hire her for the position. And I know how devastating this must've been for her because, again, I was supporting her through a time where it was very difficult. She lost her job and she had no money and she had a kid that she had to take care of and everything else. So when I asked her how she felt like how was this for you? Because I know that you were looking forward to this job and I know this was an opportunity for you to get back into working and making money she made a comment that oh, it's fine, it's okay. And I remember saying tell me how you really feel, and I think that was permission for her to let go, because in that moment she was holding it together and she was dismissing what she truly felt inside. And I don't know if that was because she was talking to me or if that's how she really felt, but in that moment, me telling her how do you really feel, like what is really there for you? Stop the mask, take the mask off and let's really talk about what's really there and she literally just started crying and she was saying how unfair it was, how she was looking forward to it.

Speaker 1:

This is an example of toxic positivity, but it's also an example of when we use these methods that we think we're supposed to use in order to feel better. What we truly are doing is dismissing ourselves, is invalidating ourselves, which is not okay. Right, it's important to acknowledge that I have a job. I do, and you know what. I am grateful that I have a job because this provides income for my family, but also this job gives me too much stress. This job, I come home depleted. Every day, I am treated by my boss in such a way that really gives me a lot of stress and anxiety.

Speaker 1:

So, again, it's understanding that we are not going to use it as a weapon against ourselves and invalidating how we truly feel, but it's a way to just be present with the small but important things in our life. That's going to help us to feel good in the moment. And so, in this situation, we are not going to use gratitude as a way to just again invalidate or dismiss what we're truly feeling. But it's saying you know, I am grateful that I have income coming in. I do because this is what is going to help me to provide for my family. But also this job is not healthy for me and I do need to look for another job because I come home every day depleted and unhappy and stressed and that just isn't good for me physically, emotionally and it's not good for my family.

Speaker 1:

So that's the difference between using gratitude or positivity to mask what we're truly feeling or to give an excuse or to really like diminish ourselves. That's not what this is. This is saying I'm going to be grateful for the things in my life that I do have and I'm not going to use that as a way to dismiss what truly is happening, to dismiss my feelings, to decrease my happiness, because that's not the purpose of what I'm saying here Okay. So I'm going to give you another example. Another example could be it's a blessing to have my mom living with us. So many people wish they had more time with their parents. I need to be grateful for this opportunity to care for her Right, and what that's doing is ignoring the immense physical and emotional toll of 24, seven caregiving and everything else that comes with that.

Speaker 1:

Again, what this person is doing is she is dismissing how hard it is to care for her mom, how hard it is for her not to have her own personal space, and she is using gratitude toxic gratitude to make the situation better toxic gratitude to make the situation better. And what she's really doing is, again, she's dismissing what she truly feels and the truth of the situation, which is that, although she loves her mom and wants her to live with them so they can take care of her, it also is important for her to acknowledge that it is hard, and you don't want to dismiss your feelings or push your feelings away. Avoid them, because what's going to happen is it's just going to build resentment towards her mom. So, if she doesn't acknowledge it and she just uses gratitude, like I should be grateful that I have my mom living with me and I should be taking care of her because she is my mom. It's really understanding that, yes, I love my mom and, yes, I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to care for her, but also, this is hard and I may need help, and that's okay. But what's not okay is denying that we feel the way that we feel and that it is stressful and that it is hard, and it's important for us to acknowledge those emotions so that we don't turn into feeling resentful, mad at a situation, at a person, because we think that we're supposed to be having this toxic gratitude for what we are doing in this moment.

Speaker 1:

Okay, so here is another example that I'm sure a lot of us do as well, and so let's say that let's use this example of this person who is caring for her mom and you know she has kids also and she's probably tired and she's probably stressed and she's probably completely exhausted, with no way that she is recharging herself or giving back to herself so that she can fully be present and be well enough to do all the things that she needs to do, which I'm sure you can put yourself in that position and let's say that she decides to vent to a friend. And so she says, oh, you know, maybe the friend asked how she's doing and what she does is. She says, oh, you know, just less busy doing. And what she does is she says, oh, you know, just less busy but less. I'm just so grateful for my amazing family and everything that we have. And what she's really doing is she's again, she's diminishing what she truly feels.

Speaker 1:

And there's a difference between complaining and venting. And so if you have a friend who is asking you how you feel and you catch yourself and you say I don't want to complain I hear this in my therapy office as well right, there's a difference when you need to release it, when you need to process this with someone that you trust. And so if you're constantly diminishing and you're telling yourself that everything is great, or like I'm tired but I'm blessed, I'm exhausted, the kids are driving me crazy, but you know what? I'm grateful that you know my kids are healthy and all of that, we are diminishing and we are we're really not acknowledging what we're really going through. And we're really not acknowledging what we're really going through, we're really not acknowledging our true emotions. And the truth is that by you acknowledging that things are hard, by you acknowledging that you're tired, by you acknowledging that it's hard to do it all on your own.

Speaker 1:

It doesn't take away from the love that you have for your kids, because you can love your kids and also say that you're tired and you need a break. This is a problem for us women, where we have a really difficult time with that and saying I love my kids but I'm tired and it's okay for me to drop them off at the grandma's house for a couple hours so I can go and rest, meet up with a friend or go for a walk or take myself out to dinner. Right, it's okay to do that. And yes, we're grateful that our children are healthy, but also we need to acknowledge that we are tired or that they can be a lot of work, or that I've come home after working for eight hours and now I have to do the things that I have to do as a mom. That doesn't take away from the love that you have for your children. It doesn't take away from the love that you have for your spouse. What it says is that you are a human being, you are a human being and that you can have both. You can be honest with your feelings and what you're going through and also be grateful that you have a beautiful family, be grateful that your kids are healthy and they're well and that you have a roof over your head and you have everything that you need and that your health is good. But also, it is not okay for us to diminish and to invalidate what we truly feel.

Speaker 1:

So, as I start wrapping this episode up, I just want to remind you that gratitude is one of the most one of the fundamental tools that we can use to be happy to bring fulfillment into our lives. Right, because it is at its core. It's about the authentic recognition and appreciation of the good in our lives, such as we shared in the beginning of this episode. Right, because it is genuinely us being thankful for the good things, the good experiences, the good people, the good opportunities that we have in our lives. Right, and it really helps us to really focus on the blessings, big and small, and to connect with a sense of happiness and just being connected with our world as it is, and it's being very mindful and very careful that we can easily use gratitude to invalidate and to deny what we truly feel. Right, and so it's just remembering that. It's a very fine line between, you know, being grateful for all that we have, all that we are.

Speaker 1:

I mean, I personally have a morning gratitude practice where every morning I acknowledge something that I'm grateful for, and it could be something as simple. I am grateful to wake up to a safe and warm home. I can be grateful for this morning coffee that I have, because it really is something that I look forward to every day. I could be grateful that I get a break at work and I can go for a nice walk. I can be grateful that I have a car that I can get in easily and I can pay for gas and I can get to work and I can get to everywhere that I want to get to. Right. It's knowing that the little things in life I want to acknowledge because they are fundamental to my happiness. Right, it's reminding ourselves that it's in those little, small things that we usually take for granted. Those are the things that we have to really acknowledge Sunny days, time with family. That I have warm water in my house, that I can go in and I could take a shower whenever I want. Right. That I can open up the fridge and I always have food that I can eat. And if I don't, I have money and I have a car that I can go to the grocery store and I can open up the fridge, and I always have food that I can eat. And if I don't, I have money and I have a car that I can go to the grocery store and I can go ahead and pick up food. That I need is that I am grateful for waking up and being able to walk, and I've been. I'm able to see and I'm able to do all those things without even thinking about it. That is is pure gratitude, right, and so.

Speaker 1:

Toxic gratitude is when we start to dismiss our emotions. So we want to make sure that we are validating our feelings first. So before you try to find the good, allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you're truly feeling. So if you're stressed, if you're sad, angry, disappointed, acknowledge those emotions because they're real, they are true to you, right? You can say something like I'm feeling stressed today and that's okay. We're not going to try to use toxic gratitude. I feel stressed right now, but I should be grateful because at least I have a home. That's what we're not going to do. That's not going to help you and it is very harmful to you.

Speaker 1:

And remember, you can embrace the both and mindset, so it's recognizing that you can have conflicted emotions at the same time. For example, you can be grateful for your healthy child and feel overwhelmed by the demands of motherhood. You can appreciate your job and be frustrated by a difficult coworker, because that's just life. Life is complex, and so it's important to validate what we're truly feeling, even though we may be grateful or we may be happy that we have certain things in our lives. Okay, so, as I wrap up this episode again, this is just a reminder that when you use gratitude, it can be such a powerful tool for your well-being, for your happiness.

Speaker 1:

It's something that I again used for the last several years as I started working on my own happiness, and it has been such a game changer, especially when I learned how to use it the right way, right.

Speaker 1:

So it's really being mindful that it's about the small things, it's about acknowledging, it's about being present with the things that bring us joy, the things that really help us to have a good life small, big, all in between and also, we're not going to use it to diminish, to invalidate, to suppress what we truly are feeling, because that is not helpful, and so I hope that you listen to this episode and are inspired to maybe look more into it. Maybe it's learning how to try it every day. Maybe it's thinking about a gratitude practice that you could use, such as gratitude journaling that you could use, such as you know, gratitude journaling. One thing that I also use is, before I go to bed, I would say thank you for a good day, or thank you for this or that. It could be waking up in the morning and thanking yourself for a night's rest. It could be anything small like that. You can use it in any way that you need to do it, and I hope that this episode really encouraged you that there's so many really helpful tools out there that we can use every day to make ourselves feel our best. So I would encourage you to think about, during your week, little moments where you can acknowledge or you can be present and use gratitude.

Speaker 1:

Again, you can use any of the tools that I've mentioned, such as gratitude journaling.

Speaker 1:

You know, just kind of being in the moment, mindfulness could be great, it could be anything like that, but I would encourage you to try it and to see how it would fit into your day, especially if you feel like this is something that I need to try. I know for me, when I started doing it, it was very helpful and it really just helped me to feel more grounded and helped me to feel more appreciative of the things that I usually take for granted. Okay, thank you for joining me for today's episode and I hope to talk to you next week, take care. Thank you so much for joining this conversation today. I hope this episode was helpful to you on your healing journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode packed with valuable tips and insights designed to empower you. If you found value in this episode, I'd be so grateful if you left me a review. Wherever you're listening from and share your thoughts and feedback. This really helps me to reach more women just like you. Thanks for listening.