She Can Heal Podcast

Ep. 73 - 4 Habits Every Woman Needs to Quit This Year

• Keila Aldea, LCSW • Season 3 • Episode 73

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Feeling stretched thin, guilty, and tired of chasing an ideal that never feels real? We dive straight into four patterns that quietly drain women’s energy—hyperindependence, prioritizing everyone else, pressure to be “size four,” and constant comparison—and swap them for simple, sustainable habits that restore calm, confidence, and momentum. As a licensed therapist and self-care advocate, I share clear steps, scripts, and mindset shifts that help you let go without losing yourself.

We start by naming the hyperindependence trap and why it often roots in trauma. You’ll learn how to practice tiny asks, delegate without micromanaging, and reframe help as strength. Then we move into boundaries: practical buffer phrases, short “no” scripts, and how to handle the guilt and pushback that show up when you stop people-pleasing. From there, we challenge the body ideal that keeps you stuck in extremes and offer a steadier path to health—short walks, simple strength sessions, better hydration, and unfussy meals that fit real life. Finally, we break comparison by shifting focus to your own timeline, using journaling prompts, and curating an environment and community that match your goals.

Expect a grounded mix of mindset and mechanics: weekly planning that removes friction, tiny wins that compound, and the reminder that progress isn’t about going harder—it’s about going steadier. If you’re ready to trade overwhelm for clarity and create habits you can actually keep, this conversation will meet you where you are and move you forward.

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SPEAKER_00:

Hello and welcome to the Speak and Hail Podcast, a podcast aimed at helping women heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am your host, Kayla Altea. I'm a licensed therapist and a self-care advocate that is passionate about helping women take back their power and help them realize they're important, worthy, and deserve the care and attention they give to those they love most in their lives. This show is meant to help inspire you on your healing journey, no matter if you're in the discovery phase and are just realizing that you have unhealed wounds, habits, and mindsets that are keeping you stuck in your life. Or you've been on this journey for a while and are looking for inspiration, encouragement, and or new tools to help you continue on your healing journey. My goal is to help you realize that you can heal from all that life has thrown at you and are capable of evolving into your healthiest and happiest version. On this show, I will provide you with resources, tools, and insights to help you heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually, because you deserve all of that. So if you're ready to ditch the guilt and make yourself a priority, then you're in the right place. Because the truth is that you can't pour from an empty cup, even though most of us do this on a regular, and we really need to stop that nonsense. So get ready to be inspired, motivated, and equipped to truly thrive. Hello and welcome back to another episode on the Sheikin Hill podcast. Thank you so much for joining me for today's episode because today we're gonna be talking about what women need to let go of in 2026. So I'm gonna go over four things that we really need to stop in order to be our best selves and to feel our best, because honestly, the things that we as women do to make us feel unhappy is crazy. And I'm gonna talk about four of them today. So if you are looking for ways to be healthier, to feel better about yourself, these are areas that you really need to let go of. I know it's areas that I need to let go of myself. So this is all of us. We all women fall into some of these traps, and so today we're gonna talk about them. So if you're ready, we're gonna get started. All right, so we're gonna get started with the first one, and the first one is the hyperindependence trap. And if you've never heard of the hyperindependence trap, it is when we have the need to do everything ourselves, and thinking and asking for help or delegating any tasks means that we can't handle things. For example, trying to clean the whole house, going grocery shopping, meal prepping for the whole entire week. This also means that we take on more than we can handle and we just deal with it because it's what you think you're supposed to be doing, right? Trying to be in two places at the same time, but being too embarrassed or guilty to ask someone to step in or to say no to things that do not fit in your day. And I would say when we think about hyperindependence, it is really the idea that I can't trust anyone else to do it because I'm the only one that could do it this way. I'm not gonna let no one watch the kids because they're not gonna watch the kids the way that I do. I'm not gonna hire anyone to clean the house because they're not gonna do as much of a better job as I do. So it's all about thinking that you have to do it all on your own. And if you don't do it yourself, things are not going to be the way that they're not gonna be right, you know? So it's almost like I'm the only one that could do this thing because everyone else won't be able to do it the way that I do, right? I'm not gonna ask my mom to come and help me clean the house because she doesn't know how to clean it the way that I do. So it's a lot of a lot of it is, you know, trusting that you're the only one that can do it the way that you do it. And if other people try to help, they're gonna mess it up, they're not gonna do it right. And so you take everything on and you think that it's your responsibility, and you truly feel that you can't trust anyone else to do it. All right, so this is a big trap that we as women get ourselves into. And I'm actually gonna do an episode just on the hyper-independence trap because it is a lot bigger than just us doing things on ourselves, it's really a trauma response. So it's definitely something that I probably will talk about either next week or the next the following week. So stay tuned for that. All right, and so what we're gonna do is we're gonna talk about instead, right? Instead of trying to do everything ourselves, we're going to practice asking for help. And that might be in small steps, right? This might be asking a friend to help you with a small task. Maybe you want to go to an appointment, and maybe you just need a friend to come with you to watch your child while you go into the appointment, you know? So this is gonna allow you to experience that relying on others is safe and it doesn't lead to abandonment or to failure. Number two is we need to learn how to delegate responsibilities. So it's actively practice delegating tasks to others, even if you feel that you're capable of doing yourself. This is going to reduce your workload and it's gonna build trust in others' capabilities. Going back to what I said, I'm not going to ask my mom to come and help me clean the house because again, she doesn't do it the way that I do. Or I'm not gonna tell my son to clean his own room because he doesn't do it right. And I'm I'll just do it better than him, so I'm just gonna do it, right? So it's really understanding that part of that ability to really reduce that workload, to reduce that overwhelm, is to really like little by little practice asking for help and understand that yes, nobody's gonna do it the way that you do, but sometimes just doing it is better than you doing it and overworking yourself. Another one is challenge those limiting beliefs. So actively question the idea that you must do everything yourself and reframe asking for help as a sign of strength and a way to build community rather than a weakness or deficiency. So instead of letting your brain and those limited beliefs trick you into thinking that you're the only one that can do this, it's really being mindful and saying to yourself, I'm gonna let this person help me, or I'm gonna delegate this task so that I can have more time to just be maybe I have more time to do something else, and I'm not feeling so stretched. Okay? All right, number two is prioritizing others over you. And yes, moms, I am talking to you. I want to remind you that you are more than a mom, a wife, and it's okay to do things that you want to do even if they do not fit in with what others think. So stop putting your needs aside to satisfy, please, or be there for others. Yes, I know we love helping our families. This is what we do, this part of who we are as women, right? We want to be there for our kids, we want to be a loving spouse. But if that means sacrificing your own mental health, it's only going to hurt the ones around you, right? Because when you don't prioritize yourself, those around you do not get the best version of you, which is the absolute truth, right? And having poor boundaries only hurts you. This means boundaries with your time, your energy, your mental health, even if it means someone is going to get upset at you because that is not yours to carry. Okay. And this is what I want you to do instead. So instead, I want you to think about ways that you have been neglecting your own needs. This may be not taking care of your health, such as doctor appointments, dental, or any other of those really important health appointments, because you've told yourself that you don't have time or you don't have anyone to watch the kids or whatever other excuse we use. Maybe you don't make time to do the things you truly enjoy, such as hobbies, spending time with friends, or just plain having quiet time just for you, right? Because then you feel guilty. You're like, I should be doing this, I should be helping my kids do that, I should be cleaning the kitchen. God forbid that I have a little bit of rest time or a little bit of time just for me. Maybe you take on more than you can handle because you then feel guilty for not helping, right? Maybe it's volunteering at your kids' school. Maybe it's someone asking you to help them with something. Like, can you take my kid? Can you pick up my kid on your way to school? Or can you help me with this or that? Right? Okay. Next, I want to re I want you to remind yourself that it's not okay for you to neglect your own needs because when we prioritize our needs, we are able to show up to our roles with so much more energy. Okay. So that's the us part, right? We're gonna first think of ways that we've been neglecting our needs, and then we're gonna remind ourselves that that's not okay. No, that's not okay for me to keep neglecting myself. And then I want you to start scheduling you in your schedule. Maybe you realize that you've rescheduled your physical three times due to your schedule. Well, I want you to call your doctor and schedule that appointment and put it in your planner as a non-negotiable. And that might mean you might have to plan ahead for maybe planning at a time when the kids are at school. Maybe it's, you know, having someone help you. Maybe it's having someone that you trust, like your mom, your friend, your sister, to get them off the bus for you so that you can go to this appointment. Maybe you realize that you've been wanting to start painting, but you talk yourself out of it because you already have so much going on. Well, again, I want you to look at your schedule and identify when in your week can you give yourself 30 minutes to start painting? This may mean that you have to delegate tasks or not overextend yourself to have help others if it means you're neglecting yourself. This is the thing about our schedules and our time is that we can make time for the things that are important to us, right? But we have to make the choice that if this is important to me, then that means I might have to let something go. If I want to start painting, maybe it's Fridays after work. That means that instead of cooking dinner for the kids, maybe that day I order them something else. Like maybe I order pizza on Fridays and put on a movie for them, and I'm going to paint right alongside, right? Anything like that could be really, really important. But again, it's up to us to make the choice to say, I want to do this thing, and that means that I'm gonna take this off my plate because this is important for my creativity, for my me time, right? All of that is truly important. Another area is your ability to sell to set healthy boundaries with others. For example, when someone asks you for something, use a buffer phrase like, let me check my schedule and get back to you, instead of automatically accepting this request, right? This gives you the mental space to ask yourself, do I actually have the energy for this or am I just afraid of disappointing them? Another important skill is learning how to say no. Say no is a skill and like a muscle. If you don't use it, you lose it. So you don't need like a long-winded excuse. I tell this to my clients all the time. Like, you don't need to come with all these excuses and you don't need to like go on and on. No is a complete sentence, but I know some of us, if we're learning this, that might be too harsh, and so we might need to use different types of phrases. So try this. I'd love to help, but at my limit right now. I can't commit to that, but I can offer and then offer something smaller instead. That doesn't work for me, but thank you of thinking of me. And I will say this in the beginning, it's going to feel difficult, it's gonna feel uncomfortable. Number one, saying it, but number two is the response that you're gonna get because you are not going to get most of the time. I'm not gonna say all the time, because there's a lot of people that are very understanding, and if you can't help, they're like, no problem. But the majority of them, especially if they have to do with your family, you literally will get the response to make you feel guilty, right? They will shame you, they will make you feel guilty. And that's the part that we have to learn how to accept that when we do say no to someone, that the likelihood is that they're not gonna like it and they're gonna get upset, upset at us. And it doesn't mean that it's our fault, it doesn't mean that you are being a bad person. It means that you're inconveniencing them, right? It's about them, it's not about you. You're inconveniencing them and they're gonna get upset at you. And again, that's part of setting healthy boundaries. So in the beginning, it's gonna feel it's gonna be feel hard, it's gonna feel uncomfortable, but the more you do it, like I said, right? That muscle, the more you use it, the more it's going to be easier to do. Believe me. All right, let's move on to number three. Number three is the pressure to be a size four. And what I mean by that is the pressure just to be skinny. I think right now is the hardest time to be a woman because all you receive is messages and messages and visuals on social media, on movies, and everything around us of what society thinks that a woman's shape should look like, right? And the truth is that all these messages we get as women are that we must be skinny, right? We have to have great skin, we have to fit in a size four, which is basically nonsense, and it's a huge myth. And this causes us women to engage in trends that are not good for us. For example, doing these crazy fat diets, these intense workouts, and all the supplements you can buy, especially if you're on social media right now, all you see is women selling all these supplements, all these skincare products, right? All these fat, these diet things. It's like in order for me to feel good, in order for me to be skinny and to have the skin, like I have to buy all these things. I have to do all these things, which I'm sure doesn't make you feel good because it can be very overwhelming. And the truth is that being a healthy and energetic person does not equate to punishing yourself or pressuring yourself to engage in these unhelpful ideas. But the truth is that small, consistent habits you engage in now make a huge impact on your health. For example, that daily 30-minute walk is more helpful than you think. Prioritizing short weight lifting sessions do make a huge difference. Drinking enough water is so much better than you trying to drink all these shakes you see on the store shelves. So, what should we do instead? So, instead, I want you to think about how you could be a healthy version of you. Being a size four is not for everyone because we're all different bodies, genetics, etc., right? For some people, being a small size is just natural, it's just part of their body, right? But for most of us, it's not. And I want you to ask yourself, what habits can I start to feel better, healthier, and have more energy? That might be I want to be more active. And that might just look like taking two short walks a day or starting a workout program that feels good to you, right? And again, this all depends on your specific level. This might be I want to eat better than I am now. What changes can I make to feel healthier? Again, it's not going to the extreme and starting a very restrictive diet, but maybe it's eating more fruits and vegetables, maybe it's just drinking more water or swapping unhealthy snacks for healthier ones. And lastly, it's remembering that if you compare your body to other women, you are doing a huge disservice to yourself because that is not healthy for so many reasons. Comparing your body to another woman, I was just listening to this podcast and it was about how if if I compare my body, let's just say that I wanted to grow my glutes, right? Let's say I just wanted to like work building a bigger butt. I know we all want to do that. But he was saying how if you try to compare yourself to someone else and you say, I want to have a butt like hers, that is very, that is very unrealistic because we all have different genetics and our bodies are shaped in a way that is specific to us. So you have to compare yourself to you. You have to look at your body and you have to say, What am I unhappy with? And what can I do to fix that? How could I do to be better? So if that is being thinner, if it is being in a healthy weight, then it's saying to yourself, What steps do I need to take in order to again build strength in my legs, have toner arms or whatever it is, versus saying I want to look like her, because again, it's very unrealistic. So comparing yourself to other women and their bodies is just harmful. So now we're jumping into the last one, which really goes right with the one we were just talking about, because this one is we need to stop comparing ourselves to others, period. That's it. And honestly, in a world that we're living right now, like I just mentioned earlier, it's so easy to compare yourself to other people's lives because we're so confronted with everybody's like highlight reels because people only put on social media, right, the good times, the successes. So it's really easy for us to compare ourselves to other people's lives, thinking that our lives are bad and that their life is great. And honestly, this is a form of self-sabotage that robs us of our happiness and it sends us really unrealistic messages. Because when you compare yourself to others, you're taking the focus away from you and how you can be good in your own life to what others are doing, and I'm saying, in quotes, doing because it's what we see. You also have to remember that if someone is truly doing well physically, financially, emotionally, that it's probably because they have taken the steps necessary to get the results that they have gotten. This is something, a trap that I have gotten myself into over the years, which is if I start following someone who is, I don't know, like a financial coach or someone who's doing really well or something like that. And of course, they share their successes because they're trying to show you that they've taken the steps and they can help you to do the same, right? But if you get stuck in that, you might say, Wow, like she's doing so great, like she has her finances on point, or look at her health, her health is so good. But you also have to remember that she got there because she actually put in the work, and what you're seeing now is a result of maybe five, six, seven, even ten years of work. So you can't compare yourself to that because this person has been doing it for so long, and that's why they are where they are. We have to remind ourselves of where we are and where we want to go so that we can start to make progress and or even notice progress. So, this is what I want you to do instead. Instead, I want you to limit your time with social media, especially if you feel bad after being on like Facebook or Instagram or TikTok, and you're seeing posts and reels that make you feel bad about yourself. So, number one is limit your time, these apps that are not bringing you anything, any good to you. Learn how to compare yourself to your past self, right? So acknowledge your own efforts, your wins, your successes in the areas of your life that are that you are focusing on. I will say this. I recently did a like a journaling activity with a group, and it was basically a reflection of write a letter to your younger self. For me, it was about my therapy journey. And when I did that, I was able to see how silly it is for me to feel that I am not doing a good job or to feel that I have these deficiencies or I don't feel competent. Because when I wrote the letter back, I realized how much sacrifice, how much work, how much time, how much effort I have put in to be where I am today. So sometimes it's really like taking a snapshot of where you were even a year ago, especially if you're working on specific goals and say to yourself, because we're always going to think that we're not doing enough or that we should get better. It's just part of the stupid human brain, right? But sometimes it's comparing yourself to who you were before and really looking at all the efforts that you've made. You know, I didn't give up even though it was really hard. And so, really, like learning how to compare yourself to your past self is what you should be doing. So that way you know the little steps that you've taken, or maybe not, maybe you've realized, wow, the last year I feel like I've been really stagnant in this area. And then we're gonna take the next step, which is we're gonna set those set goals and intentions for ourselves to address the areas of your life that make you feel unhappy, right? So, for example, if you're unhappy with your health, create a plan. Maybe you need to hire a health or a fitness coach to help you make progress on your goals. One of the things that I personally did for myself a year ago was I started working with a dietitian because I said to myself, I really want to improve the way that I eat and I want to feel better in my body, less bloating, and all these kinds of things. So I went and I started working with a dietitian, and that has helped me so, so much. Or if you feel that you have these emotional barriers to yourself, then that might be a time to, you know, find a therapist to help you to address these unhealed woods that are showing up for you, you know, the ones that are causing you to feel unworthy and unhappy and unhealthy, right? So it's about, you know, finding the help that you need in order to make the progress that you need. Because one thing about, especially with the hyper-independence, I know I can I can relate to that, is that you know, we learned that again, we don't ask for help, we can figure this out on our own, but honestly, that's so much harder. It's harder to do things on your own versus working with someone who can give you that clarity, who can give you like the guidelines and the support that you need. And lastly, surround yourself with people that make you feel good, right? Sometimes it's that easy. It's like be around being around people who are being the person that you truly like don't want to be. We need to be mindful of that and step away from that, you know. So, like if you want to be healthier, be around friends who make healthy choices. If you want to feel more financially responsible. Be around people who also share those same qualities because again, if you are around people that are making or living a life that you don't want, right? So if I want to be a healthy person and my friends all they want to do is watch movies at night and smoke and eat junk food, guess what? I am going to also engage in those activities because it's just part of that social effect, right? But if I say to myself, I really like my friends, but I can't hang out with them anymore because I'm trying to do better with my health and fitness. And you might have to be very clear with them. And it might be, you know what, I only hang out with them once a month to watch a movie. And instead of ordering pizza, you know what, I'll order a salad or whatnot. And again, this is going back to the idea that this is my life, and I can choose to either make choices that are gonna make my life better, or I can make choices that continue to leave me unhappy. And one of the things that really inspired me to do this podcast episode on this topic is myself and the clients that I serve, you know. I notice that we do get trapped in these unhealthy habits, and part of that is being aware of them, you know. So for you, it might be thinking about these four areas. Which one do you notice that you engage in? Or which ones do you notice that this is an area that I really want to focus on, right? So if that's I'll give you an example for me. So for me right now, I am trying to get to a healthier weight, right? Because I am I'm trying to be healthier, I'm trying to just be a stronger, healthier version of myself, right? And I have been really working hard on being consistent with my exercise, and I feel that that's really good. But there's this part that has been keeping me stuck, and it is my health habits, right? I've been eating too many calories that just keeps me in in a maintenance phase. And one of the things that I realized is if I want to lose weight and get to a healthy weight, I have to change what I'm doing. And in the beginning, it was it made me kind of depressed because I love food. I'm like, how am I gonna stop eating like 300 calories a day? I can't do it. And I started feeling like miserable about it because I love food again. And I started to trick my brain into thinking that I can't do it. I'm like, that's impossible. How can I go from like you know, 1900 calories to like 1600 calories? That's just crazy. And then I got clear. I got clear. I said to myself, Kayla, are you kidding me? You literally just need to do something different. You literally need to make a plan. And you can either choose to stay where you are and eat the same way that you're eating and not make any progress, which is not what you want, or you can make a you can make a plan and you can find ways to create meals that are good, but also fall into your calorie budget. And honestly, it's what I did. And I went ahead and I use an app to track my calories, and now I know like for breakfast, this is how many calories, and then I try to like make different changes, and for the last two days, I have actually stayed on track with that, and I haven't been feeling miserable. It's just a reminder that like we literally get in our own way, and all we have to do is really get clear on what we really want in life and really understand that if I want something different, I have to do something different. Maybe if I realize that I feel really depressed every time I'm on social media because all the people that are on there they look happy, they look healthy, then it might I might just say, does that mean that I want to be healthier? Maybe that means that I'm not happy with the habits that I have. So that might be again, make a plan. Make a plan to, you know, be healthier. Maybe it's I'm noticing that I eat too much sugar, or maybe I'm noticing that I don't move my body as much. And so maybe I say to myself, I feel this way because I want to be healthier. And so now you can literally sit down and make a plan, going back to number two, prioritizing our needs. It's really about really making getting intentional about what we truly want. So if that means that I feel like I've been neglecting my health and wellness, then that means that I really have to make time. I have to create time in my day so that I can have healthier habits. That might mean every Friday night that I sit down and I make a plan for what I'm gonna eat during the week so that on Saturday morning I can go and I can grocery shop and then create these meals. That doesn't mean you have to meal plan for five hours, right? Make it easy, going back to the episode I did about habits, right? It's like make it easy. Like, don't make it so hard on yourself. It could literally be meals that you I think someone I heard on a podcast with, I think he's a coach, and he was talking about like that could be just cooking all your protein. Literally, just cook all your grilled chicken, all your like ground beef, and then during the week, all you have to do is create the sides, which is going to save you so much time, right? But you have to make the intentional plan to do that. So instead of waking up on Saturdays and I don't know, lounging around or doing whatever else you're doing, you might say, I'm gonna wake up Saturday morning, I'm gonna go to the grocery store, I'm gonna get the food that I need, and when I come back, I'm just gonna cook all the meats, and then I'm gonna just go ahead and be ready for the week, whatever it is, right? So, in other words, you can actually create healthier habits, you can actually create plans so that you can feel happier, but you have to make the intention to do so. All right. So, as I wrap up this episode, I want to encourage you to not just listen, but to take action. If you notice that you fall into one of these categories, think about something that you could do to take action on any of these areas. Like I said before, maybe if you're in the hyperindependence trap and you notice that you never ask for help, you try to do it all, and you feel tired and exhausted all the time, then that might be thinking of something that you could delegate. Maybe that means we're somewhere in my day-to-day that I can ask for help. If you notice that you are in the category of comparing yourself to others, maybe it's saying I'm gonna limit social media for a while and I'm gonna focus on me. Maybe I'll pick up a journal and I'll do a letter to my younger self to just reflect on how far I've come in the last couple of years. Whatever it is, take action because that's the only way that you're gonna get from where you are to where you really want to be. And it's really up to you to decide to be different, feel different, and live a happier and a fulfilled life. And I will also encourage you to share this episode with a friend who you know struggles with any of these areas, right? Because it's easy. I know every time I try to share something from a podcast, I always mess it up. I'm like, well, she said something like this, and sometimes it's so much easier to just share the episode and say, hey, you gotta listen to this episode because what she was talking about reminded me of you, and I think you would really benefit from it. And again, this helps me bring this information to as many women as possible, which is my goal for this podcast. And I truly appreciate you for listening, for being here, and I truly hope that you have an amazing rest of your day. And I will talk to you next week. Take care. Thank you so much for joining this conversation today. I hope this episode was helpful to you on your healing journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode of Pack of Valuable Tips and Insights designed to empower you. If you found value in this episode, I'd be so grateful if you left me a review wherever you're listening from and share your thoughts and feedback. This really helps me to reach more women just like you. Thanks for listening.