Ep. 98 - How to Slow Down & Embrace a Soft Life (Without the Guilt)

Are you constantly on the go, feeling guilty the second you try to take time for yourself? If your mind is always racing to the next item on your to-do list—even while taking a walk or running a quick errand—you are not alone.

In this episode, we break down why so many women are conditioned to believe that rest must be "earned" and why relentless busyness is destroying our mental health and nervous system ease. As a therapist, I share real-world client insights and personal experiences on how to step off the productivity hamster wheel, reframe what success really looks like, and embrace the power of soft living.

In this episode, we cover:

• The Root of Busy Guilt: Why women carry the pressure to always be productive and how struggle culture conditions us to glorify burnout.
• What "Soft Living" Actually Means: Moving past the social media aesthetic to discover the true origins of the movement and how to practice non-negotiable ease.
• Hustle Culture vs. Soft Life: How to reframe ambition so peace, well-being, and rest count just as much as output.
• 4 Practical Ways to Slow Down:
  1. Making rest your non-negotiable baseline (not a reward).
  2. Setting boundaries with your time and releasing productivity guilt.
  3. Making daily comfort an intentional choice.
  4. Intentionally slowing down everyday tasks (from driving to eating lunch).

Rest is not a luxury—it’s a foundational right. Tune in to learn how to create a calmer, softer, and more present life today.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Hello and welcome to the She Can Heal Podcast, a podcast aimed at helping women heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I am your host, Kayla El Dia. I'm a licensed therapist and a self-care advocate that is passionate about helping women take back their power and help them realize they're important, worthy, and deserve the care and attention they give to those they love most in their lives. This show is meant to help inspire you on your healing journey. No matter if you're in the discovery phase and are just realizing

Welcome And Show Purpose

SPEAKER_00 1:05

that you have unhealed wounds, habits, and mindsets that are keeping you stuck in your life, or you've been on this journey for a while and are looking for inspiration, encouragement, and or new tools to help you continue on your healing journey. My goal is to help you realize that you can heal from all that life has thrown at you and are capable of evolving into your healthiest and happiest version. On this show, I will provide you with resources, tools, and insights to help you heal and thrive emotionally, physically, and spiritually because you deserve all of that. So if you're ready to ditch the guilt and make yourself a priority, then you're at the right place. Because the truth is that you can't pour from an empty cup, even though most of us do this on a regular, and we really need to stop that nonsense. So get ready to be inspired, motivated, and equipped to truly thrive. Hello and welcome back to another episode of the Sheikhan Heel podcast. I hope that this episode finds you well. And today I wanted to talk about something that I personally have been working on or really trying to incorporate into my life, and that is slowing the heck down. I am really working on slowing down the way that I live my life and not feeling like I have to do everything at once and be so busy. And I know that this is a practice because

Why We Need To Slow Down

SPEAKER_00 2:29

it's just something that I'm sure you can agree or attest to. It is something that we're just like conditioned to do. We're especially as women, like we always have to be doing things. Like we always are busy, we're always having to either clean the house, take care of the kids, like we're constantly on the go, go, go. And slowing down or just taking time just for you is not something that we're used to. It's not something that we were taught as we were younger. And as a therapist, I have the privilege to really having these personal and vulnerable conversations with clients, especially women. And one of the things that I always hear, and this happened very recently, is the guilt that we feel whenever we try to just do anything for us. And again, a lot of it has to do with just conditioning, it's something that we're not used to, or we've gotten the messages along the way that doing something for you, resting, doing something for fun is not productive, that it's you're being lazy, that you should be doing

The Guilt Behind Being Busy

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this or you should be doing that, and you get used to that, you get used to the idea that I have to be constantly busy, I have to do so many things, I have to be busy, and sometimes some of us actually like we use that as like a badge of honor. Like, I am so busy, but honestly, I personally am not doing that anymore. I am not agreeing to participate in the busy, busy, busy lifestyle because number one, it is exhausting, it's not good for your health, not good for your mental health. And sometimes you sit back and you say, like, what is like what am I doing? Right? Like, I haven't had time to watch my favorite TV show, or like going on a walk doesn't feel calming because I'm always thinking about what I should have been doing, or we think that it like takes away time. So now I have the setback. So if I go for a 20-minute walk after I come home from work, whatnot, a lot of times I know this happens to me, and you can think about this for yourself. And I've heard other people talking about this, and is you know, you go for a walk, so let's just say you go for a walk after work because that's like a time where you can kind of de-stress and just do something just for you. But in this walk, sometimes you're feeling this guilt or you're feeling like this pressure that I probably I need to hurry up because I need to get back to doing the things, right? I need to go and cook dinner, I need to start cleaning the house, or I need to do this, or I need to do that, and so this walk or anything, right? Walk, whatever it is that you're doing for you, becomes something that is not enjoyable because you're already you're not presently there. This is what I mean by slowing down, right? This is the part where I personally have been working on. I'll give you an example. So, yesterday after work, I instead of going straight home, I just wanted to do a little shopping after work and just pick up a couple things. I went to the thrift store and I went to the vitamin store. Like, I just wanted to do a couple things, and so when I was in the thrift store, I love thrifting, I just love like I call it like a treasure hunt, so I just love going in there and seeing all the little all the little things that you can just pick up that you can see for a couple dollars or whatnot. And

A Real Moment Of Rushing

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so I went there, and when I was there, I started to feel a little bit of just a little agitation in my body, and I was questioning why I was feeling a little discomfort, and I remember saying to myself, What is wrong with you? You are in a cool place, you've decided to come here, but something was feeling off, and I realized that what it was. I started looking at my clock, and I'm like, I'm spending time here now. I'm only gonna have a short amount of time to like make sure I have dinner because I had a client to see and all of that, and that's the kind of mentality, right? That's that mindset that I'm talking about, and I'm I really worked through that to remind myself it's okay, it's okay to do this because it was an enjoyable activity. I have this time, and instead of going home to do all the chores or whatnot, I decided that I was gonna take some time to just do something enjoyable for me, get myself off this little hamster wheel for a little bit, and it takes time, it takes time to get that mindset to go from you know what, I'm gonna do something, I'm gonna slow it down, I'm gonna engage in more activities or just living um my life in a way that feels softer, slower, not rushed. If I do decide to go to a store after work, or if I decide to um go and grab a coffee or do anything that is not like routine, right? It's not even going to the gym, you know. I think a lot of us think that too. So, like if I want to go to the gym after work, so I can spend a good 30-45 minutes working on my health, that I don't have in the back of my mind all the negativity that comes with that, right? That I don't have those thoughts that say hurry up because you need to get home and do this. You should be doing that because that takes away from the joy, it took it takes away from enjoying whatever it is that you are doing. So I know it's something that I'm working on, it's what I hear, right? This label out there, which is called soft living, which is just intentionally slowing down, intentionally not agreeing to living your life on 100 miles per hour, and you're just kind of slowing it down and just being softer with yourself so that your nervous system, so that your mindset, so that you can feel so much better in your life. Because again, what's the purpose of living this life if we're just

Soft Living And Nervous System Ease

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constantly doing being like on our hamster wheel, right? We do the same thing every single day, we're just doing, doing, doing, doing, and we don't incorporate any moments to just slow it down. So I'm gonna get into um talking to you about what this whole idea of soft living is, and then we're gonna talk about ways that we could incorporate this into our lives. Because if you're like me, you know that you don't want to live this rush life anymore, it's just not good, it just does not feel good for us. So, first question is Have you ever heard that term soft life? Because it's definitely a term that is very popular on social media recently, which I'm really happy about. But I know this can also be a pretty provocative label. I believe it's because we are so conditioned again to believe that slowing down or resting or doing something just for enjoyment is brings up a lot of guilt, and we're not supposed to do that, right? We're adults, we're not supposed to play. I don't have time to go for a walk with a friend, I have to, you know, cook dinner and I have to, you know, do all these other things. So I know it is a topic that maybe we don't understand it, and this is why I wanted to bring it to you, but also it is something that we just need to learn how to work on and reframe the way that we live our lives because we don't have to live a rush and busy life. And for me, I know that it's definitely something that I really want to incorporate in my life. I'm really tired of just working, working, working and being busy all the time, and so even giving myself moments of slowing down, moments of rest, or even just like I said, giving myself moments where if I am engaged in some type of activity, that I stay present in that activity and that I release those thoughts that are trying to rush me, trying to convince me that I need to hurry up because I got other things to do. So that's what today's episode is going to be about. And so I'm going to define what a soft life is in case you haven't heard about it or maybe you don't fully understand it. I'm gonna discuss why it's trending right now. Talk about ways you could incorporate soft living into your own life, and then I'm gonna end with some tips on how you can apply it to your life. So, again, this episode is for us both because as a woman in her 40s who's busy, whose life has always been about doing, doing, doing, it's time that we normalize that grinding is just not the way to go, and it's actually very counterproductive to our health, our mental health, and our well-being. So let's start with definition. So, what is a soft life? So, a soft life refers to a lifestyle that's characterized by comfort, relaxation, and minimal stress. It is emphasizing prioritizing your personal well-being over relentless productivity and societal expectations, and it is rooted in a shift towards peace and intentional self-care. And before it was a buzzword or like very popular all over social media, soft life actually

What A Soft Life Means

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started with Nigerian social media communities around 2020, and it was a declaration, especially among black women, that joy, rest, and comfort were not indulgence, but rights. And this movement began as a rejection of struggle culture, which glorified endurance and sacrifice as a proof of worth. Instead, the soft life celebrated ease and rest as acts of power, self-respect and love as non-negotiable, joy as something you don't have to earn. And although it became this movement that focused on luxury aesthetics, extravagant vacations, and endless free time, I know that could be really deceiving when we see that on social media, where all you see is people engaging in ways that we can't relate to. At its core, the soft life has always been about the ability to choose gentleness where you've been told to be tough and rest when you've been taught to push through exhaustion. So it's a movement that is teaching us that life is more than constantly doing grinding and burnout and taking a few minutes to just enjoy your coffee without rushing to the next thing, enjoying the moment for what it is versus thinking about how much time you have left or thinking it's taking time away from the next thing. Right. And that's what we need to like learn, right? That's gonna be the pro the journey or the process that we go through because we are taught in this world, right? We are taught that in order to be successful, we have to kind of again grind, we have to push, we have to keep working. And if you rest or if you take breaks or if you do anything for enjoyment, then you're almost kind of like a slacker, right? You're slacking off and you're not gonna get ahead in life. All right. So the next part I wanted to go over is let's distinguish a soft life versus this hustle culture. And so, hustle culture, it tells us that the harder you push, the more you're worth. It rewards exhaustion, it glorifies sacrifice, and it sells the illusion that busyness equals value. And if you think about it, when you see or you hear people talking about being quote unquote successful, it's usually about grinding. They don't want to hear that

Soft Life Versus Hustle Culture

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you're tired or that you need a break. Usually they tell you that you are lazy, that you'll never achieve success, or that you'll be great at what you do. They glorify working 60 hours plus, working through your lunches, and if you don't do the same, you're looked down upon. They normalize burnout as just part of the game to get ahead. And we're told that you gotta hustle if you want to get ahead, right? I'm sure that you have heard that, right? You gotta hustle, you gotta hustle. And the soft life is the opposite of this hustle and grind culture. While it doesn't reject ambition, it does reframe it, which I really enjoy, right? It asks what success looks like if peace and well-being counted as much as productivity. And I think about it this way, right? It is the idea that people who believe in this hustle culture think that they have to constantly always work, work, work, work, work. And doing anything outside of that takes them away from being successful. So these are the people that don't believe in going on vacations. No, I don't have time for that. I have to work, I have to work on this thing. And I get it, like sometimes we do have to put in a lot more effort when we're trying to achieve something, but also can you believe that you can have both, right? It's the idea that success doesn't mean that you have to work until you are completely exhausted and you don't have time to even know what day it is or anything, like you don't have time to like enjoy life and be with family, those types of things, right? It's the idea that I can be both, and sometimes we just have to reframe what success really looks like. In hustle culture, you have to earn rest in a soft life practice. Rest is a baseline and it's something that you're worthy of without justification. Rest is seen as productive, restorative versus laziness. Living softly doesn't mean opting out of reality and abandoning your goals, but it does give you permission to refuse to tie your value to your output. And here's my thoughts on soft living. The difficult part is that we women have been used to doing it all, especially all ourselves. We're the ones that take care of the household, in charge of appointments, meals, caring for our children, and so on. So when women first hear about soft life approach, many think that it's a luxury that only some can afford. Even the smallest shifts feel impossible for most women and moms. What I hear is I don't have time for that. And if I suggest they carve out just a little time for themselves, they look at me like I'm speaking a different language, or that I am offending them. Sometimes they just feel offended when I even uh bring this up. And I'm and I totally understand why they feel this way. It's conditioning that we've been used to, like I mentioned earlier. And again, it's either through your family, because a lot of us never seen our moms doing this kind of work. They've always been working, busy, doing all the things, society expectations, especially for women. It's what we know, and when we see women who engage in soft living, must of us start saying things like, must be nice, right? Like, lucky her. But the truth is that soft living is unique to you and your life, so you can't compare yourself to another person who may not have who may have more time in the mornings, evenings, or has the ability to take time off work. Soft living is about asking yourself, how can I invite in more peace, calm, slower pace so that my stress can be lower? My nervous system is not always stuck on fight or flight. Again, it is just thinking about how I can apply this to my life, how what could this look like for me? And really refusing to compare yourself to everyone else. Like you're I always say your 24 hours are different than my 24 hours. If you have small kids, your 24 hours are gonna look very different. You're gonna you're gonna spend a lot of time taking care of your kids versus someone like myself who has no kids at home. I have a different type of lifestyle, so it's not fair to say this doesn't apply to me because I don't have time. It just means I just have to understand and really try to figure out how can that apply to my life. And I think one of the reasons why this soft living approach is trending is because we are in a time in our lives where mental health is being normalized. Like it's okay not to be okay. Before I think that many of us hid our struggles, we hid so much, and now everybody's just being really open and vulnerable about it in a very public way. And what we're learning is that we're not alone in this, like we all struggle, no matter where you come from, what you do, like nobody's immune to this. And also, we're starting to see people fighting against this, they're pushing against this, they're rejecting this idea that we have to live a life struggling, we have to hustle our butt off, we have to be constantly busy, burnt out. Like people are really fighting and pushing against this and saying it doesn't have to be this way. You can still have success and you can also live a peaceful life. Like you don't have to choose one or the other. You don't

Why Soft Living Is Trending

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have to have a whatever success looks like for you, if that means mean having, you know, having a job that really makes a good amount of money so that you have this financial cushion, if that means creating something into something really big, if that means having a healthy family, whatever success means to you, because again, that's another aspect of life that is not one side fit fits all for some people that looks very differently. But whatever success looks like for you, it doesn't have to be just work, work, work, hustle, hustle, hustle, and then enjoyment, peace, and calmness goes out the window, right? It's the idea that you can have both, you can have a successful life, you can have a happy life, you can feel good that you've created something for you and your family, and also you're not this burnt out, depressed person, right? You can have both, and that is what we are talking about, and that's what we're seeing everywhere. Women who are telling you that you can be successful in whatever it is that you do, and also you can have enjoyment in your life, you can have hobbies, you can have time with friends, you can go on vacations, you can do all of those things, you don't have to choose one or the other. So I hope that's what you're getting from today. Okay, so now we're gonna get more practical and we're gonna talk about what does this look like? What are some tips? What are some ways that I can adopt a soft life? And much like self-care and wellness overall, no matter what the soft life means to anyone else or how it's portrayed, I want you to focus on you. What is going to work for you? Because if you're trying to replicate what someone else is doing online or someone that you know, it's not going to feel authentic to you, right? We want to make sure that we're doing things that works for us, brings us joy, and works for our mental health, our physical health, our emotional health, and really just looking at ways we can incorporate that in ways that feels good to us. All right. So tip number one is prioritizing rest as a foundation. So first we have to realize that rest is not only productive, but it's what helps you to restore your energy. It's like plugging yourself in so that you're not running around on empty. It is understanding that there's always

How To Make It Practical

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going to be something that is demanding your attention. You're always gonna find things that need to be done, tests that need to be checked off, but that doesn't mean that you should be doing it all day long. It's realizing that rest is what I can do to reset my mind and body so that I can show up as an attentive and productive person. Rest does not take away from that, but it does give you the fuel and the energy to do what is necessary. The other important part is that you don't have to earn rest, that engaging in anything that helps you feel relaxed, restored, or calm is just as important as doing your daily tasks. And this could be engaging in a slower morning routine. So instead of doing all the necessary things as soon as you wake up, it's

Rest As The Foundation

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giving yourself a way to just start slowly, giving yourself five to ten minutes to quietly enjoy a cup of coffee or five minutes of journaling your thoughts or creating your morning to-do list. It could be taking a few minutes in between tasks to sit and just focus on your breath. It's taking your lunch break and creating it as a sacred time to eat quietly, engage in a restful activity before going back to work. It's coming home from work and not rushing to do the household task, but giving yourself just a few minutes to unwind or let your energy settle before transitioning to home. Sometimes if you're a busy mom, it could literally be, I'm gonna go pick up the kids from, I don't know, after school program or from school. It's giving yourself, maybe you get in the parking lot and you give yourself just two minutes. Give yourself two minutes to just sit with yourself before you have to go ahead and do the thing. So it's like not rushing, but allowing yourself to slow down to rest and knowing that giving yourself those two minutes, giving yourself those five minutes in the morning is gonna actually be so helpful and restorative for you. And it's gonna really help you to understand that it's okay just to slow down a little bit, just to give myself these moments of rest. I'm still gonna get to do what I need to do. Tip number two is establish boundaries with your time and your priorities. The second way that you can invite self-living into your life is to prioritize what's important to you. So no matter what it is, guard that time and make it a non-negotiable. So setting boundaries with your time is such a valuable skill that's gonna lead you to feeling more fulfilled and it's gonna send the message to yourself that you matter, that what is important to you also matters. This could be learning how to get comfortable with saying no to anything that doesn't feel good or gets in the way of you doing what you truly desire. Reminding yourself that every time you say yes to someone or something that takes away from your own desires and wishes, you're essentially saying no to yourself. Soft living is being intentional about how you spend your time and what you choose to prioritize. So it's protecting your energy, your happiness, and your needs. And part of that is releasing the guilt when you do something for you. I know, like I said earlier, this is something that I know so many of us experience.

Boundaries That Protect Your Time

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So it's reframing your thoughts when you're engaging in something just for you. So if you're going to start morning walks for just you, it's mentally telling yourself things like, This is nice, this feels great, I'm so happy that I'm taking care of me. And it's giving yourself permission, it's convincing your mind that this is good. And anytime your thoughts try to bring you to the quote unquote things, right? The next thing. I want you to use your breath to refocus yourself and just focus on nature, the music, whatever it is that you are focusing on, your audiobook. Just again, it's really like convincing your really your mind that this is good. I'm safe. It's okay to be here, it's okay to go on this walk, it's okay that I'm not doing the next thing. And anytime that your thoughts pull you away from that moment, again, bring it back. Use your breath to ground yourself, use nature, use something to bring you back to the moment to say, like, I'm here and it's okay. And like I'm going to enjoy this. And I know it's gonna take time because I know sometimes what I hear is like this is gonna this is different, this is gonna take time. And believe me, I know personally that it does because, like I said, this is something that I personally am working on myself. I personally also feel these things when I'm trying to do something for myself. I'm trying, it's trying to pull me to the next thing, and so it's it's this constant refocusing your energy into the moment. Number three is make comfort intentional. So a soft life can mean taking time for activities that soothe you or create small moments of relief during your day. And this could be turning on soft, relaxing music in the mornings as you sip your coffee. This could be creating 30 minutes to relax after work, turning on your favorite candle or diffuser, curling on the couch with a soft blanket and reading, or creating a relaxing nighttime routine with skincare, tea, soft PJs. Well, again, I'm just giving you examples, but this is just reminding you that you can make comfort intentional. You can make the small little things just feel soft and comforting. The idea is to bring in moments of comfort into your life in any way that you can. Depending on your lifestyle, this is going to be a way that can feel relaxed and cozy. It's a way to bring care to your mind and body, telling yourself that it's okay to slow down and make time for joy and comfort. And the idea is that we give ourselves

Make Comfort A Daily Choice

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permission to do these things, right? That this doesn't only have to be someone that we see on social media, on TikTok. This could actually be me, and I can figure out how I can incorporate this into my life. And again, it could literally just be how you end your day, it could be how you start your day, it could be little moments that you put in here and there to really just feel cozy, to feel comforted by yourself. Number four is slowing down intentionally. So part of slow living is getting off that hamster wheel or off of autopilot. That means that we have to intentionally choose to slow down, and this could be not rushing through your task, taking your time, being fully present with what you're doing. An example that I can give you for myself is driving, especially on the highway. I have learned to intentionally slow down instead of driving fast because everyone else is. It's actually helped me to feel less rushed, more settled. So, like I'm driving, and instead of rushing to get to the next place, rushing on the highway to get to work on time, right? I am intentionally giving myself that space to not rush, to just go with the flow of traffic, not feel like I have to switch lanes to go faster, just literally just going with the flow, and it actually makes me feel so much more calm versus oh my god, the cars are going so fast, or this car is going too slow. And sometimes it's really just

Slow Down On Purpose

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focusing that moment, right? Focusing on that task. This could be in anything that you do. So doing the dishes, cooking dinner, and believe me, I know we don't all have like all the time, right? The luxury of time. Many of us are like juggling multiple things, but rushing through your daily tasks only adds stress and pressure. Mentally telling yourself that you are here now, taking a few deep belly breaths to remind yourself you are in this moment could be really helpful. Again, not rushing to the next thing, really coming yourself in the moment. And another example could be eating lunch intentionally, right? So not rushing through your lunch break, intentionally eating slower so that you can enjoy your meal versus thinking about the other three things you wanted to do. Going for a walk, but being intentional about enjoying the walk. So releasing those thoughts that are trying to convince you to get back already. Or the thoughts are all the things that you need to get done, or the guilt or the stress that this is taking time away from this thing, and now I'm gonna be a little bit behind, right? Again, the idea is that this intentional slowing down actually helps you to feel more calm, it helps to calm your nervous system, it calms your breathing, it reduces your stress and also your anxiety of not getting everything done. So, as you can see, living a soft life doesn't really take a lot of work. Honestly, it is just slowing down, being intentional, and giving yourself permission to engage and protect your time and your priorities. Okay, so now that we've gotten through the whole episode, I wanted to leave you with this. I want you to think about your own life and ask yourself, am I rushing through my life? Do I feel like I'm on this hamster wheel? And if so, what are the benefits of doing that? Is it making me happier or stressed? I'm pretty sure that if you answered yes, I'm rushing through my life, you are not feeling happier. You are feeling more stressed. And if so, how can I incorporate some of these tips into my life so that I can begin to soften and slow down my own life and feel calmer and more present? And my hope to you is that as you listen or as you wrap up this conversation, you don't think that this is an illusion, that you don't say to yourself, like I said previously, right? That's nice, but that won't work in my life. I got too much going on for me to slow down, I don't have time for this or that. And I really want you

Reflection Questions And Closing

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to take these tips. I really want you to take this information and remind yourself that that is not true, that this can be applied to your life. You can slow certain aspects of your life, you can incorporate some of these tips into your life so that you don't feel so rushed and you don't feel like you have to like get onto the next thing, get onto the next thing, and also reminding yourself that slowing down or having rest or bringing in joys into your life is not gonna stop you from achieving all the things you want in life. Okay. So that is my hope for you because that's what I am just realizing for myself. And again, I hope that you enjoyed this episode. Please share this with a friend. We all need to hear this, we all need to understand that living this rush life is not it, it is not good for us at all. And yeah, so share this information so that we can all understand this and start living a calmer and peaceful life. So, again, thank you for listening, and I will talk to you again next week. Take care. Thank you so much for joining this conversation today. I hope this episode was helpful to you on your healing journey. Don't forget to subscribe so you never miss an episode packed with valuable tips and insights designed to empower you. If you found value in this episode, I'd be so grateful if you left me a review wherever you're listening from and share your thoughts and feedback. This really helps me to reach more women just like you. Thanks for listening.